Throwing Away a Long Term Quit
Thought I would just write a little something to you since I have experience with throwing away a long term quit while being afforded all the resources this site brings.
You would finally get to a point where you said fuck it, and literally turn off the “thinking” switch in your head and buy a can of cope. At that point you still wouldn’t know if you were going to chew or not. You would drive to wherever you were going clutching that can in your hand while 200 and something days of being quit mind fucked you and your gut is literally in knots.
Finally you would get to where you are going and decide that you want to open the can and just smell it. Feeling physically ill and an anxiousness that you could never even imagine consumes you and it is a scary fucking feeling. Reasons that make so much sense, and make it seemed justified in your head to chew will flood your mind. It is at this point when you again voluntarily shut down that “thinking” mechanism in your brain and you take a pinch. Maybe the first one you come out of it a little bit and you drop it back in the can and say “fuck.”
This may take place a few times but eventually you will just shove that shit in your lip cause you cannot take feeling the anxiousness or the twisting and wrenching feeling that has been in your gut since you bought the can. And you are literally exhausted with visions of the many who have helped you and those you have helped fight those thoughts of tempatation and justification for “just one.”
Now you have a chew in your lip, it burns and guess what, that feeling of someone stabing you in the gut with a pitch fork, then twisting it does NOT go away. For the remainder of this chew you will be flooded with feelings of guilt and regret. Your quit group will literally flash before your eyes as you realize you are no longer one of them. You will start figuring out when and how you are going to tell the masses that you have caved, and what their reaction will be. you will think about what it is going to feel like to have to watch that day tracker SLOWLY climb back from Day 1.
Finally you will spit that shit out of your face and where will that leave you. The same problems are there. Life still sucks, you still feel pain, you will still worry, NOTHING WILL BE FIXED!
Now you have all that shit compounded with the overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. You will post day 1 but it will never be the same. You have it all in the palm of your hands right now. You have control over your life and an addiction that will kill you and cause daily worry and dependancy.
Don’t throw it away, if you ever listen to anything I tell you. Hang on to this mother fucker and fight tooth and nail. Look that bitch in the eyes and be more of a man than a lot of people could ever be. Life will get better, there is always dark and stormy times. Chew will not make that shit go away. PLEASE, realize that before it is too late.
NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member jmr
946 days quit. I was cleaning out a closet and found an old half empty can in a jacket pocket. Opened it up and then walked to my wife and apologized for her having to put up with years of that nasty smell!? I am an addict. Just one won’t ever work for me. Any form of nicotine is my enemy. My promise and the honor and integrity that goes with it is more important than any substance.
Lessons learned.
I celebrated 4 years chew free yesterday. It was nice to know that 2 of my kids will never remember that I chewed. There are still times when Nic calls to me and I wonder what 1 dip would do. But I’m removed from it for so long that I don’t let those thoughts last long. Keep fighting it’s worth it
Feel like a broken record….looks like I babbled about the same stuff in an earlier post here. I guess I just let everyone know I am still quit almost 500days later.
✌
Well over 600 days quit and I still, maybe every 4-5 weeks think about my old friend Skoal. Fortunately (some would say not so), I do have my last can of dip I ever purchased. It is open, there has been one dip removed (my last). Once in a while, when curiosity comes along, I Ponder “what was it with that stuff that had me hooked for 25-30 years?”. I look up in my catch-all cupboard, hidden behind a pile of old, fake dips, sits my old friend. I reach for it, pull it out, noticing all the warning labels of the contents. I give it a few packing thumps, crack it open, take a small whiff and….HOLY SHIT!! The smell alone makes my mouth water…I often wonder if it’s my saliva glands wanting it or warning me I’m about to hurl, these days, I beleive it’s the latter. Then I’m flooded with reminders of the the habit. The numerous people who shared this habit with me, teammates, co-workers…even family. How it was in my mouth almost 24hours a day. How ” dirty” the habit was. And then to all the people who worried about my health from doing it. Always though, towards the end of my reminder, I am sharply reminded of the look on the store owners face who sold me this last can…he knew my quit date and I was purchasing this can on that date. I felt weak from the look he gave. I knew I was an addict, but that look alone, felt like a challenge and I decided to take it on with every ounce off warrior in me.
All of this, flashes through my head in an instance…one smell. I seal it back up and toss it back in the catch-all.
I dont recommend anyone keep their last can. Someone once said it was really “ballsy” to keep it in the open like thay. But I did..and this “last can” has helped me more than harmed me with my quit. It has served as a painful reminder of where I was. And honestly, I have NEVER wanted another dip out of it since I first tossed it in there.
But I would be lying if I said I don’t still think about my old dipping days, just not as often these days. Bottom line, you have to stay on your toes and be ready to beat that NIC bitch’s ass into submission it it rears its ugly head. I’m ready each day!
Keep up the fight!!
-JP
I have my last can of of cope, half gone. It’s on the top shelf of my closet. Last time I opened it the shit was dried out and had no real smell. I too, keep it as a reminder and agree, that can has done more good than harm over the years. Grateful for this site, the postings and articles. Great job and thank you all.
I have a lot of respect for someone who caved and could have just went on about their business and never told anyone. But honesty got the best of them and they started all over again from day one.
Almost 4 years quit and I still get cravings to cave. They don’t last long and I am fine living with the knowledge I am a addict and my fight this fight 1 day at a time. Nothing is worth throwing my quit away. Nothing.
Well said. I joined KTC in October 2011…posted everyday for thru my first 100 days then checked in periodically for a few months. I stayed quit til November 2013 until multiple arguments with my wife resulted in me caving. I chose snus cuz it was easy and I’d just finish the can and go back to being quit. It’s 14 months later and I’m taking down almost two cans/day. I’ve quit for 5 days twice, and had a 9-day stretch nice free. We just found out my wife is pregnant and I vowed to quot yesterday. I made it til noon today until I bought another can. Don’t give up. It’s not worth it.
Wow….this is something everyone on here should read. What a great post! I am at day #142 today. I sure shit hope I don’t deal with a crave like that in the future. While I still have them, they are only small craves here and there these days.
Today (this Morning) was my first Dental cleaning I’ve had since my quit. My Hygentist was so proud of me, as was the doctor. I felt this was another small but important celebration of my quit. My tissues are still fucked from the 25+ years of dipping, but they did say they are and will, get better over time.
One last thing, and I know this sounds bat-shit crazy….I STILL have my final can I bought back on July 14th, 2014. It is still with my fake chews I use in a cupboard. Many (here and even my Dentist) say its really “Ballsy” to do this. I don’t see it that way at all. I see it as a reminder of where I never want to go again. The labels “This product can cause mouth cancer and Tooth Loss”…the awful smell, YES, a 25 year vet now says this shit STINKS! It does!
I am done, I will not do this habit anymore. I quit some 17 years ago, only to start all over when I thought I could “just have 1”. That’s the most valuable lesson I learned from my quit back then. We’re all addicts and “just one” will never fly!
Anyway, man, I feel like I hijack posts out here with my stuff, but I really enjoy talking about this terrible shit packed in a can that rips lives apart.
Great article and it’s completely true, chew is nothing more than a shitty bandaid