1,000 Days In The Fire

When I first joined this site, at day 8, I couldn’t fathom making it to 10. I was scared shitless. I was scared to fail, like I’d done a million times before in my 20 year sordid love affair with Copenhagen. When I posted Day 10, I felt like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders, if only for a brief moment. Then, I began to fixate on the insurmountable achievement of 100 days.

Several times between 10 and 100 I decided I’d had enough. I’d make excuses as to why I needed to leave the site. Excuses that would begin the rationalization process I was oh so familiar with. But, I had made friends of complete strangers. I identified with their pain and the celebrations. Small victories, 10 days at a time kept me going. Knowing I had friends dealing with the same problems I was and them somehow making it to tomorrow was a source of strength.

Over the next 3 months, we became friends. My group was the supergroup on the site. I think we were the first to go into younger groups and interact with them. Challenge them on a daily basis. I took it very seriously and got to know many good men. I saw some fail. The first several failures were personally disappointing to me. I’d felt like I’d let my brothers down. My depression would grow stronger with their loss. JCMbro hit especially hard. Another brother smoked some ciggies and thought it was OK to continue to post roll “dip free”. I raised hell and pissed a lot of people off, in the process I quit posting in Sept 05 and became an adopted member of April 06. I met many, many more good friends there.

I’ve had one single brother who’s stood behind me in times of trial and tribulation. Sioux…you are my rock brother, you given me the ability to believe in myself, take the world as it comes, and instill a “never again, for any reason” mentality. Though we’ve never met, I love you like blood and will never betray the understanding we have.

I don’t want to get into naming names because I’m sure I’ll miss some and fell bad for it, but 40, Aqua, SOS, Remmy, Chewie, Frannie, 2manydropsontheheadasachild, Mahum, Cliff, Copewithabadhaircut, Wange, QT, Boomer, CoryB, Frosty, Slush, etc. You guys are some quitting studs. You are the foundation upon which my quit is built. Thanks for always being there.

Dano…knowing what you’ve been through and the conversations we’ve shared…seeing the pure strength you exude has kept me clean brother.

Tomorrow is 1,000 and my own family, my own wife will not know the sacrifice it’s taken…and ya know…that is cool. I don’t want them to think of me as an ex-junky. I’m clean…lickably clean…I still struggle, but I have friends to lean on when I need it, more friends that a country boy from NC deserves.

I’ve told many people and been laughed at for saying it, but I swear you could drop me off in any major metropolitan area, butt nekkid, with my cell phone and within 2 hours I’d have a brother bring me clothes and some hot food. That is what this site is about people. If you haven’t experienced it, you are missing out on a treasure of life. Take when you have to and return it 10 fold when you can. That makes this community strive.

Thanks to all my friends here especially. Thanks to my wife who took more abuse than she should have. Thanks to LOOT for realizing his limits and seeking professional help. Thanks to those I’ve pissed off along the way…you provided more inspiration than you could imagine not to give in.

Knowing my children will never see me as a dipper is more rewarding than any number….but a 1,000 is pretty fucking cool.

My original intent was to make this post and leave the site. Retire if you will. But as the day approached, I knew I couldn’t trust myself outside this community, so, I recruited some newbies to post roll call with me. They will be the next generation to keep me honest for a while.

I never wrote a HOF speech for 100 days. Maybe this will do for a while…see you at 2,000.

Follow up:

Thanks for all the well wishes…they are both touching and inspiring. It’s time to do some reflecting. It’s been a long road, but has been smoothed by friends old and new. It’s nice to know some people appreciate the time and energy expended on them. Most never see it…so…my challenge to you newer guys is this:

If LOOT has had any impact on your quit, either by sharing his jewels with you (get yer fuckin hands off me 40)…by offering an outlet for your anger…or simply by pissing away the day with mindless babble, then please return the favor. Pick out a couple young quitters and mentor. Don’t let their achievements, however small, go unnoticed or without comment. Sacrifice of yourself to reach out to a brother in need. Please.

If you do this, you’ll build lasting relationships and in the process build your own accountability even beyond roll call. Roll call is a daily commitment. The bonds I share with some of the best people in the world are lifetime commitments. Roll call be damned…those who are truly my brothers know that I will never betray them.

No matter your day, keep in mind that we are all a single bad decision from disaster. 5 or 1000 makes no difference, it just gets easier to resist as time passes.

Thanks again. Enough sappy stuff…LOOT will be slinging “FU”’s and calling you fags in the morning.

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member loot