101 Days Quit

I’m like everyone else. I tried to quit multiple times on my own, for other people, only to cave after a few days. I planned quits, then found excuses to put it off until I just talked myself out of it. I had found KTC a couple of years ago and thought “maybe that is what I need”, then I popped in a dip and forgot about it. You hear lots of people say they wished they had never started dipping or smoking or chewing, but that wasn’t me, I loved it! I loved the taste, I loved the buzz, I loved that satisfaction of a big pinch after a meal or while I was sitting in my deer stand. And then one day, I didn’t love it. I had finally had enough of the guilt, anxiety, and weakness that kept me chained to that little round can.

The phone company that I work for hired this 18 year old kid to work tech support on nights and weekends and I was training him on some of our in-house systems. We were both dipping and we got to talking about it and this shit-stupid kid was telling me he had pre-cancerous spots and was missing teeth, grinning like idiot, like it was a joke. I remember going back to my desk and thinking what a dumb shit they hired when it hit me, I was a dumb shit too. I was slowly killing myself on purpose. Something I started doing because I thought it was cool was going to kill me eventually. I decided right then that I was done. I signed up for KTC and posted for the first time the next day.

The first three days were not so bad, then the nicotine was gone and it all went down hill. For the next few weeks I was a giant asshole. I had some minor cravings, a little insomnia, some fog-brain, but I had major irritability! I have a short fuse anyway, but I am surprised I still have a job and a wife. After about 40 days I finally started leveling out, and I started to think I had it under control. When vacation time rolled around I was feeling good. My wife, two kids, my parents, my brother, sister-in-law, and I flew from Atlanta to Salt lake City, rented a car and drove through Utah, Idaho, Wyoming, and Montana for 10 days and I was fine. I had a blast showing my family beautiful places they had never seen before and seeing a few places for the first time myself. I have never had a better 10 days in my life, I loved every second of it. Our flight home got cancelled at 5 am the morning we were scheduled to fly home, so we had to scramble and get new flights booked, bags packed, and be at the airport 4 hours earlier than planned. SLC airport was a mad-house, security lines stretched forever, and here I am with a wife that has almost no travel experience, a 9 year old son, and my 4 year old daughter to keep track of, luggage, plus the four other adults trying to stay together. I was a little stressed. The guy sitting beside me on the plane ride from SLC to Dallas/Fort Worth was a student at West Point and we struck up a conversation, during which he pulls out a can of Copenhagen pouches and throws five or six in his mouth. I almost offered him $200 for one pouch. I have never had a craving like that one, so intense I could taste it, I would have given him $100 just to smell the can. After our layover in Dallas we were boarding the plane to Atlanta and my wife had left her boarding pass somewhere and I absolutely lost it. I made her cry. For the first time in 12 years I had made her cry, I have always been a first class asshole, but this was a first. I will never forget the look on her face or the look on my sons face. The rest of the trip was just an anger-fueled craving, I made plans to stop at the gas station next to the park and fly in Atlanta and buy a can of dip and never think about quitting again. Then I got to thinking about having to post on KTC that I had failed, that I was a weakling that gave in to my stress and broke my promise. I drove right past that gas station and all the rest between there and home.

The last 60 days I have come to realize certain things. Nicotine controlled so much more of my life than I initially thought. I was staying home from church some Sundays just so I could dip. I missed time with my kids so I could dip. I put off things I should have done for my wife so I could dip. That little round can had so much power over me, I would have chosen it over sex most of the time. So I quit 101 days ago, and I will quit again tomorrow, and the next day.

This has been a long and rambling way to say a whole bunch of nothing. I quit and I quit thanks to KTC and my fellow quitters. I didn’t post roll first thing in the morning a lot of times and EvilGinger had to remind me several times, but I think I did post every day, made my promise to myself every day, and quit ODAAT.

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member jhonomo