17 Year Do-Over
I was 15 years old when I had my first dip. Skoal straight long-cut. I was playing in a garage-band with high school friends and we liked the fact that we could get buzzed and spit on the floor with no parent’s really noticing. We aptly named our band “Chawsplatter”! Although even more ironic that we were too embarrassed to actually tell people that was our band name. Aw, the life of the dipper.
Fast forward 17 years and man I wish I could go back in time and really kick my own ass about nicotine. I had no idea how difficult it would be to truly quit this bitch we call Nic.
So, here it is – 100 days! Pretty amazing really, considering where my head was at when I found KTC (17 some odd days in to the quit). I was on the very verge of saying F%#@ it and heading to my favorite gas station to cave in cowardice (as I had done countless times before).
I’ve come to learn quite a bit about this powerful drug/poison addiction, and it has been so very important in my quit to learn and understand the symptoms of withdrawal, both physical and emotional. To understand why this has been so GD difficult to quit! To understand why I’ve made excuses for myself to quit quitting every time I tried to ‘stop’ nicotine. Or the $30 per bottle of those stupid 4mg nicotine lozenges that I would habitually abuse, thinking that “well at least it’s not tobacco” only to run buy a can within an hour of depleting the lozenges. Or those times where you say “okay Monday is the quit day – so lets chew as much as we can this weekend!” (put that shit on repeat for months).
The years stack up, and so does the damage. My wife was at her wits end. The back and forth lies about “quitting soon”, or the switching to snus to ninja dip around her family on the holidays, or waiting for her to fall asleep to leave bed and go dip alone. Or my personal favorite, the 30 minute shit.
We’d fight about it until she would say, “Whatever, just don’t do it around me.” And I would think okay I had won. (That’s ridiculous) It would ultimately revert to me popping one in on the couch after a nice evening with her, thinking that she’d be cool with it or I could somehow hide it when sitting right next to her. She would get up and leave the room – the night was done. (put that shit on repeat for a year or two)
It wasn’t until one Sunday morning (3-13), that I saw the defeat on her face when I said I had to go to the store, that I decided for myself that I didn’t want to do this anymore. And that was the first day of hopefully endless more nicotine free days.
The reasons to quit are innumerable, and the excuses ‘not to’ were always shortly behind for my addicted brain. It’s crazy that it took somewhere around 6 years of back and forth of wanting to quit before I finally found the courage and resolve to do it (not without MAJOR help from this site).
There have been some real rough patches in this process – and I’m absolutely certain the trials and tribulations have only begun! (no complacency here) But knowing how I feel today, and how I felt 97 days ago – there is no bitch ass craving that will get me to give up my freedom. Not today anyway.
My wife and parents and close friends are all very proud of me, but not as proud as I am of myself, experiencing the first few weeks of suck firsthand, along with the rewiring of brain chemistries… ouch. It is a long road no doubt, but so worth it.
I can easily say, it is only through KTC and the fellow bad-ass quitters in June that have afforded me the strength and commitment to do this. There is something very effective about this place we call KTC, and I’m glad to have found it at just the right moment.
Let’s keep this train rollin’
NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member jswiss11
