Forged In Fire; Brent’s HOF Speech
Some background info on me. I am 27 years young and hail from the Pacific Northwest – God’s country. As is the case with all of us on this site, I was plagued with a monkey on my back. Ten years, hundreds of convenience stores, thousands of cans, and trying just about every chew and tobacco product ever made brings me to the day we all came to know each other. Finally after becoming so fed up with myself from years of chewing and later on smoking (sometimes at the same time), I decided to give it a real go and finally be done once and for all. I had recently found out that my brother in law was a secret dipper as well – Griz mint, my favorite. Dan and I decided we would quit together. We set a quit date and I had terrible anxiety the week preceding it. No amount of chew or smokes could calm my nerves.
H-hour had finally arrived. It was somehow calming in the sense that I didn’t have to wait any longer. I had been overloading myself with chew and smokes those last days so much that when I had my last chew on 5/11/08 my gums were completely raw meat (it didn’t stop me from packing a big one in though). I felt this time quitting was going to be different. Sure I had tried many times before without success. I’d usually make it a day before sifting through old garbage to find that coveted half full can of Grizzly. Many times I scraped leftovers from the night before off the outside of the can. I thought since the can was closed everything inside would still be good. How messed up is that? I stumbled upon this site and found myself reading up on what to expect when I quit. I signed up and instantly figured out everyone had these crazy usernames. Damn, I just chose my actual name – too late to turn back now. Some 65 year old guy from Florida said hi almost instantly and we’ve been friends ever since.
After getting on the site and reading a bit, I noticed people were throwing around the “A” word all over the place. I thought to myself, “I’m not an addict. Maybe I should get out of this forum before anyone realizes I was here.” I rationalized staying by thinking those guys calling themselves addicts probably chewed more than me. It didn’t really dawn on me that I was in the same boat as them until around day 50. It was a hard but important step in quitting for good. Ten years may not seem like that long compared to some on the site; however, it was long enough for me to realize how stupid I was being. My grandma died from cancer when I was 9 (she was only 60). That’s what a 3 pack a day habit and 40+ years of smoking gets you. She quit smoking a year before she was diagnosed with cancer and then died a year later. It was quick but very painful. If you haven’t seen someone go through an ordeal like that, I sincerely hope you never will. I don’t remember much about her. There is one thing she said that has stuck with me to this day. She told me to promise her to never start smoking and if she ever found out that I had been, she would come back and break all of my fingers. Well as a 9 year old kid, I knew that would never happen, but it remained a vivid image nonetheless. I remember nodding my head is silent acknowledgement. Even still, the implication of her statement was lost on me that day. I was young at the time. I knew why she was dying but never thought I would make the same mistake as her. Never would I intentionally hurt the people I love due to my own selfish choices. Well damn, I went and did it anyway even if they didn’t know it.
It was time to make good on my promise to her, better late than never as the saying goes. After falling into the groove of things in August, I realized what a special group we are. We were forged in fire and never looked back. Those of us that are still around have proven our accountability to one another and how far we will go to help each other out in times of need. This has been our most valuable tool in winning this fight of our lives. If I learned one thing here, it was that I didn’t have to go it alone. With so many selfless people offering help, it made the really tough times just a little bit easier. I never really thought I would feel such a connection to all of you considering I’ve met none of you, but I do. To those of you that I have had the pleasure of speaking with on the phone, thank you. Every once in a while I needed to let myself know these were real people I was talking with on this site. BC, JW, Smoke, Monty, ZAE, Ed, Sweenz, Closer, Chewie, Jbl, Atomic, NDN, 65, Hazard, CTD, Orange, Red, LanceSD, Normanite, Buck, Mule, Ready, BBJ, Loot, and everyone that didn’t get mentioned at KTC, thank you. You guys rock. We all just helped to save each other’s lives – pretty amazing really.
A mere 100 days later and a lifetime to go, I know the fight will continue on. Anything worth a damn never came easy. I do know that after crawling out of that deep dark hole I was in, I never want to go back. In many ways, I’m glad it sucked that much. The tough times only strengthen my resolve to never go back. It also makes the taste of victory a little sweeter. Even today the cravings are there, they just don’t voice their opinions as loudly anymore. I will continue to pledge my help to those that need it and/or want it. With much gratitude and appreciation to all that have had an impact in my quit, I’m eternally grateful.
Brent
Keep the faith, keep the quit
NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member Brent
