Respect Yourself

My story starts somewhat different then others, not that it matters because all that matters is that I am and addict and always will be just like everyone else here.

I didn’t start off chewing at that early of an age, I had my very first chew at 15 my buddy’s older brother had a can and forced us all to have one. I remember my head was spinning, almost puked and didn’t want anything to do with it after that. I grew up fearing and fully being aware of my health, I have an extensive history of heart problems in my family. My dad was a chain smoker since the age of 12 and had his first heart attack at 25. I was brought up to not put any poison in your system, whenever I saw someone smoking or chewing I would ask myself what’s wrong with you don’t have more respect for yourself?

Fast forward to when I was 20, came home from college for a Sunday night dinner at my parents place in the middle of a snowstorm. My life was flipped upside down when I walked into the garage and my father down on the garage floor having a heart attack after shoveling. I tried everything I could but it wasn’t enough, he was gone.

Looking back at this point in my life you would think this would further emphasize how detrimental tobacco is to your overall health. Me… I didn’t give a shit, I did the opposite and went into a downward spiral of not giving two fucks about what I did or put into my body. I questioned God and whether it really matters what we do with our lifestyle, is it all just chance on whether our time is up?

My chewing gradually got worst like it usually does for people, I went from a can every other day to chewing almost two cans a day the past five years. My wife was a smoker until we started having kids and she always pushed me to quit, just like every quitter on here I tried the bullshit oh I’m going to cut back and gradually work my way down to no chewing. If there’s any new quitter out there reading this quit kidding yourself, this shit doesn’t work the best time to be quit is right now. Right this fucking second, you’re an addict like me and I always made excuses for myself.

Once I had my first kid I quit for about a month but for all the wrong reasons. I quit solely for my son and the financial anxiety of starting a family, that lasted a fucking month and is not a reason to quit… RESPECT YOURSELF your quit has to ultimately be for you.

I hopped back on the train chewing, I would switch to cheaper products to justify my chewing. I got a couple promotions and thought nothing of my own personal health and well being, it was all about the financial aspect for me and as long as I could afford it there wasn’t a reason to truly want to quit. Having kids is a stressful situation and I always thought I needed chew as a stress reliever which is absolute bullshit.

Fast forward again 2 years later and I had my second son. This was different because work was going great for me, work and life were great the financial impact was never an issue. Here’s the fucked up thing though, my oldest son started coming to an age where he recognized my chew cans and spitters and would bring it to me any time I left one out. I thought this was lowest point of my chewing life, having your two year old son bring this poison to you. He’d even push his tongue in his lower lip at times when he was looking at me pretending he had a dip in. You think that would be enough to say the fuck with chew right? Nope!

A year and a half after this (April 2015) we had our third kid, a daughter. I thought this was it, “tried quitting” a day at a time a few times right off the bat. Kept telling myself I couldn’t handle the stress of 3 kids under the age of 5, it was my addicted mind making yet more excuses. I continued chewing nearly 2 cans a day until the morning of July 25, I was working outside all morning dipping. Came in for lunch and had problems swallowing my food. For whatever reason it hit me that moment, whether it was my mind making myself fear mouth or throat cancer I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, at that point I knew it was time. I was fucking sick of feeling the way I did as a slave to tobacco. Obviously there were other things that made me feel like shit with my kids bringing me my tin, juggling a spitter while feeding our babies etc. But none of that reinforced my quit until that morning, I wanted this for myself and I wanted to RESPECT MYSELF.

I white knuckled the rest of that day and night and came across KTC the next day. I’ve searched around the internet before for help but everything seemed to be focused on quitting smoking. I can not tell you how much of a relief finding this place was, reading posts from the vets truly inspired me despite being the most agitated prick in the world that day!

I want to thank everyone on this site for keeping my quit strong, all the Novembros you have truly inspired me and I thank you all. Chickdip on chat that kept me strong on my most irritable days thank you and thanks for having my back each and every day on roll.

To all you new quitters and people thinking of quitting you have to do this for yourself, I know you see this posted a lot around here but I have to emphasize how true this is. You have to come to terms with yourself and mindset that there’s never going to be a “when this happens I’ll quit”. Today is the best day to quit. You deserve this and you have to want to RESPECT YOURSELF.

-bold0057

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member bold0057