HOF – Simply a Strange Journey of Discovery

This has simply been a strange journey. And without my intentions, this has become a journey of discovery. I’ve been feeling bad because I really didn’t have anything to say. I didn’t know what to say. Simply nothing. I really do realize I am simply a dumb ass jackass that’s been hitched to the cart of addiction for 35 years. So, being goal oriented I set a goal of hiking Guadalupe Peak on my HOF date of December 2nd. My wife and I started training for that strenuous hike and we did complete it. It really was a powerful time for her and I. I wanted to share that day with her because she has put up with this habit for 24+ years of marriage plus several years of dating. I told her before we got married that I’d quit. Never did. Always wanted to. But just kept saying I would. Never did.

I am goal oriented and I used that goal of hiking Guadalupe Peak as a carrot in front of this dumb ass jackass to keep me moving down the road of quit in the right direction. And it worked. I knew that HOF is just one step. And I believe it was Srans that said that HOF is the first brick in the construction of the wall of quit. So here I am. I have a great foundation of relationships and there is a brick sitting there on the edge of the slab. And I just have nothing to say. But that’s okay. I’m here for One Day at a Time. That’s how I got here and that how I’ll spend each day. So yesterday I’m shooting out texts to my buds and WtW texts back something another about someone caving. I don’t know them and I don’t really know how to respond, so I don’t for the time being. We had just lost one of our own so I understand the the loss. But, we are not as far down the road and it just created this stir in me. So I begin reading, like many times before. And I find myself reading T-Cells newly penned HOF speech that he waited till day 666 to write. I thought it was my own speech. 35 year addiction. Didn’t think 100 days was a big enough landmark to start patting myself on the back, etc, etc. I almost went to bed after reading that HOF speech. I am so glad I didn’t.

I find myself in the Introductions area and I see an Intro that was created awhile back. But it has been busy lately. I open it and see many familiar names and it becomes apparent that a cave has occurred. So I go to the last page to read forward. I don’t know this person but I am soon crushed by what I read. See, I know that I am an addict. But I just simply can’t fail. I cannot allow myself to be complacent and fail. I was born in the sixties. Back when mothers nursed their babies with a Marlboro in their mouths. I couldn’t spend the night with friends unless their parents smoked because of the nicotine withdrawals. And that was in preschool. Then I started dipping in elementary school. So see. This is my run up the hill. I just can’t fail. I am giving it everything that I have. If this isn’t good enough, then I have nothing left to give to a quit. So I thought. Until I read this Introduction full of success and happiness and turned into failure and sadness.

Still, I would not be writing this today had it not been for the words of Dougie that were directed at the caved quitter. Dougie said “…Now you have to understand it (quitting) on an emotional level and embrace it. That’s why I focused so much on reading long time quitters threads. They get it on an intellectual level and an emotional level.” I thought, “Dougie, bless your little heart, do you need some tissue paper there buddy. Suck it up and leave your femine side alone.” And then some words came back to my memory. Words from either WtW or Srans, probably both, that said I would continue to discover things about my self the longer I’m quit. I kept meditating on those statements and the pain that I’m witnessing on this thread, and then it hit me. Dougie, if I ever meet you in person, the first thing I’m gonna do is kick you right in the nuts. Why? Because you touched me. Not in the privates where your not supposed to, but deeper than that. Where a hand can’t touch. But you touched me. I get it now. And now I get things that I didn’t want to get. But too late. It’s done.

This is the deal. This is what your words Dougie, mixed with Worktowin and Srans, has caused me to look at and see. I didn’t complete the plans in my minds eye for the Guadalupe trip. I had planned on going, having a great time, taking a lot of great pictures, sharing the pics with quit buddies (that I did), and posting a picture from the top on Facebook for my friends to see. But. I couldn’t. I didn’t. I just couldn’t post that picture. I couldn’t figure out why. Actually I did know why but I wouldn’t allow myself to consider why. But I had to face this when I read all those pages about the guy that failed and hurt so many that I have become friends with here. Then when Dougie touched me in my private place, I knew. I wouldn’t post that picture because I was still afraid I would fail. And everyone would know it. You see, I promised my daughters years ago that I would quit. But I failed. It hurt me really bad. And basically, I stopped making people promises anymore. It’s really been a subconscious thing. But that’s what I’ve been doing for years now. I’ll definitely put action to something but the words, nope I wouldn’t make a promise. But unknowingly, I started this deal here saying I won’t use today. It was a small bite, just for today. It worked. I woke up and did it again and was +1 day. Then 2. Then 3. And here I am. Day 109. Ive gotten here seemingly suddenly. I take a look around and see how high I am and it scares the crap out of me. I like Docs simple words that are taking me through today and will always be with me, “If you ain’t buying it or taking it from someone, you ain’t dipping it!!!” True words right there.

Actually I didn’t understand how this site worked when I got started. I had given up on believing I would ever be quit. I simply stopped struggling and wrestling with knowing I should quit. I gave up. Then a FF friend of mine (Musicluva) posted on Facebook he was 5 years quit. I thought damn, that’s significant. That’s quit right there. He said nothing had ever worked until he found KTC. I registered but it took a while for me to decide yep, I’m quitting. I introduced myself and immediately there was AJ. He introduced himself and immediately was on my ass to get posting. I’m a little OCD and wanted to wait till the next group started. And he was on my ass. Lol. Day 1 and I posted. I have so many to thank that it’s hard. AJ, Worktowin, Srans, Sportsfan. They have been there all the way. Doc and Jaydubya I talk with almost daily. Gosioux, Shyronnie, Roncross, Txredfish, Coquitter, Forrest, Billygoat, Mattyf, Tony, Mjschwartz, Enslavedbyskoal, RickKendall. Have all been there along the way.

After reading about this horrible cave. Seeing all the destruction that was caused. Being scared that I could be that caver and cause so much harm, having Dougie touch me in my private place and point out this great fear, I realized something. I NEED AN ANCHOR !!!!! I’m running up this hill and giving it everything I’ve got, I can not afford to fail, I can’t take failing, and I realize that if I slip I need an anchor to stop me. And I’ve realized, I understand on an intellectual level and an emotional level, that I already have an anchor. My anchor is you. You is everyone I’ve already mentioned. It’s everyone that reads this in the future. Its everyone that has posted support for December 2013. We are all linked together. I cannot bare the pain of letting any of you down. I cannot bare the pain of letting my family down. I also cling to the words of LionHeartedGirl, “There’s no reason to fear. Just post roll.”

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member GDubya