A Coach Steve Narrative: The Smokeless and Spit Tobacco Summit
The 7th National Summit on Smokeless and Spit Tobacco Summit (Missoula, MT) is August 6-8, and the KillTheCan.org will be attending for the second time in a row as a sponsor. The Summit offers us the opportunity to share our successful program with policy makers and leading health advocates all over the country about the dangers of nicotine and smokeless tobacco. Additionally, and most importantly, it allows us to speak on these issues from an addict’s perspective.
As this Summit is approaching quickly, we are making many final decisions and plans. We are approximately $1,200 short of fundraising goal. Please help us out and DONATE here.
The official attendees will be announced next week, but we have asked our own Coach Steve to cover the process (plus, his narratives are really funny). This is the first installment in the series.
Thanks!
(Coach Steve is standing at the entrance to the Announcements thread gazing up at a large wooden fundraising thermometer that is only 70% filled. The sign next to the fundraising thermometer says Help Send Two of Our “Staff” to the 2013 National Spit Summit in Missoula, Montana! “Looks like they’re running out of time to raise the money,” CS mutters to himself. Just then, a MOD Squad Crown Vic comes hurling up the dirt access road between the Announcements and Intro threads and comes to a screeching halt right in front of CS. The windows are tinted black and CS can’t see who is in the vehicle. A voice comes over the load speaker…..)
Loud Speaker: Identify yourself quitter!
CS: {awkwardly putting his hands in the air} Um….I’m Coach Steve
Loud Speaker: I know who you are!
CS: Well then why’d you ask me to identify myself….
Loud Speaker: Silence!
CS: Ok…so I really don’t know what’s going on here…
Loud Speaker: FUCS
CS: {furrowing his brow and lowering his hands} Wait a second…..
Loud Speaker: Do you think this is a game Coach?
CS: I honestly don’t know what to think…..
(Just then, a black helicopter approaches and kicks up dust as it sets down next to the fundraising thermometer. The door opens and out steps Remshot followed closely by Mjollnir and Scowick)
Remshot: {approaching CS} Are you the one they call…Coach Steve?
CS: Yeah that’s me….or CS for short
Remshot: We have a situation….you need to come with me immediately
CS: But I’m supposed to meet ERDVM, CBird, Bigwhitebeast and Pavetheway for a kick ball match at Words of Wisdom Memorial Park in about 15 minutes. We’re playing the Pink G-Strings for the championship…..
Scowick: {chortle} The Pink G-Strings….what is that Gmann’s team?
CS: Actually…..yes
Scowick: Oh……well then good luck I guess
Remshot: No! {motioning to Scowick and Mjollnir with his eyes} You’re coming with us….NOW!
CS: {looking at Mjollnir} Hey…don’t I know you from somewhere?
Mjollnir: Can’t say that we’ve ever met…
CS: Are you sure….cause you look really familiar. Were you ever a Chat Mod?
Mjollnir: I don’t know what you’re talking about….
CS: Oh that’s right….you fucking muted me!
Loud Speaker: You muted Coach….? Damn that’s cold
Mjollnir: He made a your mom joke
Loud Speaker: Well in that case it’s warranted…
CS: {turning to the Loud Speaker} Who are you?
Loud Speaker: That’s none of your damn business Coach and I’d thank you to stay out of my personal affairs
CS: {walking towards the Crown Vic} I’ll find out who you are….
Remshot: Seize him!
(Mjollnir and Scowick grab CS by the arms and start leading him to the helicopter)
CS: {to Remshot} Seize him…? What are we in medieval times?
Remshot: Your toilet humor makes me giggle Coach {motioning to the MODS} Bag him!
CS: Wait….bag me…?
(Just then, Mjollnir and Scowick put a black bag over CS’s face, zip tie his hands and throw him into the chopper. As the chopper lifts into the air CS can hear the Loud Speaker voice yelling “FUCS….have a nice trip!”)
CS: So…um….don’t you guys think the blind-folding and hand-cuffing is overkill?
Scowick: We can’t let you find out the way to the ADMIN’s Secret Lair
CS: So why did you zip tie my hands?
Scowick: Remshot said he didn’t want you writing about the trip to the ADMIN’s Secret Lair in your silly little narratives
CS: Oh….then I should probably stop writing this narrative, huh?
Mjollnir: How are you doing that?
Remshot: Never mind that…..we’re almost there and you know how Loot gets when we keep him waiting
(The helicopter lands and the MODS lead CS across the landing platform. They descend a narrow spiral staircase before leading CS down a long hallway. Just then, the MODS remove the zip tie and rip off the black bag covering CS’s face as he is temporarily blinded. As his eyes adjust, CS sees that he is in some sort of rock structure that is either underground or in a hollowed out mountain)
Remshot: Wait here….. {disappearing behind a doorway}
Mjollnir: {prodding CS with his staff} Yeah….wait here
CS: Do you enjoy poking me with your staff?
Mjollnir: I don’t know what you’re talking about….
CS: That’s not what your mom said last night…
Mjollnir: {lunging at CS} Why you little……
Scowick: {holding Mjollnir back} Restrain yourself….the ADMIN want him unharmed
Mjollnir: {shaking his fist} One of these days Coach!
CS: One of these day these boots are gonna walk all over you?
(Just then, 30yraddict emerges from the doorway)
30: Bring him…the ADMIN will see him now
(CS is led into a large room adorned with framed paintings of all the Retired ADMIN, LDiddy, WhoDey, SOS, chewless jim, Aquaman43 and 11X4. On a platform beneath the paintings sit 7 wooden chairs, each the same size as the next. The date November 20, 2006 is carved into the rock wall. In the middle of the room sits a lone chair)
30: {gesturing} Please…..have a seat
CS: {sitting down slowly} Ok…..what is this all about?
30: You’ll find out soon enough….
(30 exits the room and closes the door with a loud thud. Just then, another door opens and Nolaq steps into the room.)
Nolaq: Well, well, well, if it isn’t Mr. I Like to Write Narratives…
CS: Awesome nickname…you come up with that yourself?
Nolaq: Look little man, do you know who I am…? I’m No One Likes a Mother Fucking Quitter!
CS: Wouldn’t that be NOLAMFQ?
Nolaq: Shut up….you know what I meant
CS: So are you the one who is going to tell me what in the hell is going on here?
Nolaq: That is for the Council of the ADMIN to explain
CS: The Council of the ADMIN?
Nolaq: Yes…..also known as The 7
CS: So when is that going to happen cause I’m missing a kickball game to be here….
Nolaq: Ah yes…the Pink G-Strings vs. The Glass House Gang
CS: You knew about this?
Nolaq: Let’s just say a certain person arranged for you to be here during the game…we’ll call him Pmann
CS: Dammit! FU Pmann!
Nolaq: Now, now Coach, don’t get too worked up….Loot doesn’t like it when you get all worked up
CS: Worked up….?
Nolaq: Yes Coach….you know I make you all hot and bothered….
CS: Um…I…..uh…
Nolaq: Nevermind that, the ADMIN Council will see you now
(Just then, mule enters the room followed by FranPro, Rutroh, Remshot, Ready, loot and chewie. They are all wearing bath robes and sneakers)
Ready: Mr. Coach, thank you for coming on such short notice
CS: It’s not as if you guys gave me a choice
Ready: Yes….we do apologize for that Mr. Coach, but we’ve found in the past that it’s not always easy to get quitters to do things voluntarily
CS: Apology accepted Mr. Ready, now can someone tell me what I’m doing here?
Chewie: I’ll speak to that. Mr. Coach you’ve undoubtedly heard about our campaign to send 2 members of our staff to Montana for the National Spit Summit?
CS: Yes, I’ve heard of it….hell I already donated $100
Chewie: Indeed you have, and it was very much appreciated. However, you might have also noticed that we are still short nearly $1200. That brings us here today….we’d like to engage your services to help us bridge the gap
CS: And how exactly do you expect me to do that?
Loot: Let loot take it from here….you see Mr. CS…loot knows all about these little narratives you post everywhere on the site
CS: Yeah I didn’t figure it was a secret…
Loot: {loot pulls up his chair and gets real comfortable} Well CS, loot wants you to do a narrative for the selection of the 2 staff members that we’re going to send to Montana
Chewie: Think of it as a journalistic endeavor
CS: So you want me to report on your selection of the 2 that are going to Montana?
Ready: Basically yes…but we want you to report it in narrative form
CS: I guess I can do that…can you tell me how the 2 will be selected?
Ready: We started with 10 MODS and we’ve since reduced it down to 5. The ADMIN Council will vote on the 2 nominees following a talent show competition
CS: A talent show?
Rutroh: I wanted to do the Hunger Games, but it was pointed out that we may lose some good MODS in the process
Ready: Yes….loot wanted to have a spelling bee and mule’s idea was to have a donkey race
CS: A donkey race?
Mule: {sitting up in his chair} You got a problem with donkey races?
CS: Um…not really Mr. Mule….just never heard of one
Mule: Oh…well now you have
Ready: Anyways, as I was saying…it’s critical that we select the right people to represent KTC at the National Spit Summit
CS: That brings me to my next question, what exactly is the National Spit Summit?
Chewie: I’ve already written a blog about it here. klark and I attended last year. We were pretty much the only quitters in attendance!
CS: That doesn’t surprise me, I don’t think anything short of quit group accountability and posting roll could’ve helped me quit
Loot: That brings loot to his next point, we need to educate the people who are trying to help others quit. These are the people that are saying “quit this way,” yet they have no actual quitting experience. Would you have listened to those people on Day 2 Mr. CS?
CS: I’d have told them to go fuck themselves on Day 2
Chewie: That’s precisely what we’re talking about….spreading the gospel of real world quitting experience the KTC way
CS: Well anything I can do to help the cause…
Ready: Good to hear Mr. Coach…now the talent show competition will be held in a few days. In the meantime, we’d like you to meet all of the finalists and get to know them
CS: No problem, I just need to know who the finalists are
Ready: Don’t worry….they’ll find you
A sincere thank you to all of those that have already donated to the 2013 Smokeless Smokeless & Spit Tobacco Summit cause. Follow the comments on this thread to see our progress. We’re very much looking forward to attending and representing real QUITTERS!
