A Rant on Big Tobacco
If I may rant for a minute I need to get out some frustration as I sit and type this with a fake chew in. Fuck Hooch because it is fake chew. I’m here at work and am just starting to be able to concentrate again on what I really should be doing – work!. These past few weeks my work has been suspect with my inability to focus on tasks for more than a few minutes at a time. I’m sure a lot of you can relate. That being said…
Fuck Grizzly. Fuck Copenhangen. Fuck Skoal and Fuck Kodiak. Just know I would continue on but there are too many to name. I love them but hate them at the same time. How do these assholes at Big T come up with names for chew?
Rooster? Why would a rooster be a good mascot for chew? Exactly, it’s not. Do I want to chew Rooster because there is a cock on the front? No, I want to chew Rooster because it is has fucking nicotine in it.
Kayak? Last time I checked this was something you rowed around in.
Grizzly. Oooh, a big tough bear. Am I suppose to feel like a big tough bear after I chew this stuff? Surprise, I don’t. Actually your gums really hurt since I think there are pieces of bark in it. You want to know the only reason they came out with this stuff.
Big T Asshole 1: “I think we should make a cheap knockoff chew of Kodiak for those dumb assses in Washington since chew is so fucking expensive there. That dumb bitch Gregoire really screwed them over with her sin tax on alcohol and tobacco.”
Big T Asshole 2: “Great idea. Let’s call it Grizzly and put almost the same picture of the Kodiak bear on front.”
Timberwolf – again, will I feel like hunting mice and rabbits after I chew this stuff? I think there are bigger pieces of bark in this stuff than Grizzly.
Red Seal? WTF? Has anyone ever seen a fucking red seal? Maybe after it got mauled by a great white or speared by a walrus.
Skoal – what is a Skoal? These guys weren’t even creative enough to give this brand a mascot. Pussies.
Copenhagen. Last time I checked this was the capital of Denmark. How many of you wanted that last chew in the can of cope and scraped it until you got wax under your fingernail? So I’m not the only one? Good. That stuff tastes really good. Their cheap cardboard/wax tin sucks in hot weather. I’ve spilled many good cans of this stuff because the moisture in the can gets sucked out and the lid basically falls off. Another ploy to make you more. Assholes.
Alright, I’m done for now. Carry on everyone.
NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member mule
