Apology On Day 50

50 days ago I made the decision to not use nicotine ever again. This decision came after spending more than half my life using to provide relief from situations and feelings I didn’t want to deal with. I was content to self medicate and row myself out to my island to avoid my problems. In time, with enough medication, and blowing off some steam, most of the problems would go away and life would eventually return to calm. Not from my own doing, but for the grace of God and my wife, I would be forgiven and move on. Quitting using and becoming a better man has certainly been a positive thing for me. I have especially enjoyed peace of mind not hiding my secret or worrying about getting found out. I never realized the lies and deceit had consumed my life, directing my thoughts and actions. I can think more clearly, but just because I am quit doesn’t mean I am perfect or able to deal with life’s problems any more effectively. If anything I’m repressed and immature since I have never learned to deal with life without a crutch or just by avoiding them all together. I am a work in progress and am content with the progress I have made along with my resolve to stay quit every day. This resolve only has teeth because I make my promise each day through roll and honor my word which means much more now than before I quit.

Now as I look back I can see the scars and emotional damage I have left behind me on the ones I supposedly have loved the most. I have started fights just to have an excuse to justify my using. I have lied to myself and my family to hide my words and actions. Repairing this damage and restoring the trust will take years of effort one day at a time. Now that I have seen myself for who I was and not who I thought I was I need to say I’m sorry to my wife. This month we will be married 21 years and I plan to make amends and to make the next 21 years different and better.

I’m sorry for tearing you down to make myself feel more whole. I value you more than anything else and would be lost without you. My life would mean nothing without your love. I will try harder to express my value of you and my love for you better.

I’m sorry for lying to your face and to myself for my words and actions. It was by my choice and I realize I was wrong. I promise to build a foundation for our relationship built on truth.

I’m sorry for putting you through hell every time I quit only to repeat the cycle. You deserve better and I plan to honor my word to end this here and now.

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member TSNUS