Demons… Love… Secrets

I’m not going to write about how I started or how long I used smokeless tobacco. I’m only going to explain my quit.

Demons…

If I can tell you one thing about me, it is that I’m stubborn as a mule. When I do things..I do them full force. I’m so competitive; I’d race my grandma to the mailbox in a wheelchair and you can be damn sure that I’m not going to just let her win. I even resented the fact that coolcop would beat me to the posting in the morning. Demons… heck, I signed up and haven’t missed a post in 109 days, like OCD for me. What does this have to do with demons? God help me for saying this, but I took pleasure in knowing that someone else failed. It just kept me going. I’d give my word each day and look to see who might have failed. It was a race to me..a race to 100 and I wasn’t going to lose.

Love…

There I was, washing my wife’s truck for her birthday. I got my usual dip in, fat one on the back right corner of my mouth. I hear something coming out of the house. Holy Crap…probably my wife, better duck down and spit this out. Nope, false alarm, just my 5 year old son. Whew, safe for now. You see, I’ve been secretly dipping for years. Only my best friend from college knew. After some help from my son, we finish the wash. I decide that I’m not quite done with my dip. I’m going to grab the wax and make this an extended dip. My son decides to watch the cars past by on the road.

Here is the kicker, my son (out of the blue) looks at me and says “Dad let’s make a promise not to smoke.” You see, my father past away from lung cancer when I was seventeen. I had been making a point of drilling the effects of smoking into his brain. Smoking equals Death. Anyways, back to the story. You know us dippers, I could have easily said “I promise not to smoke”, but I didn’t. I said “how about this, let’s make a promise not to use tobacco”. He agreed and we shook hands. I spit my dip out.

I would love to tell you that day I quit. Nope, I had two cans left. Are you kidding me? I drive about an hour to work. This is prime dipping time for a guy that kept it secret. I throw one in the next morning…all I can think about was that promise. I get halfway to work and spit it out. Toss out both cans, cry for a minute thinking about my father, start my quit.

Secrets…

This part is mostly for the December group. I’m not going to write everyone’s names. I just hope it explains a few things. I was good at my secret; I’d double check my hiding spots, always put the dip in outside the truck, and triple checked my teeth when I was done. (a lot of you know this drill). Here is my problem. I never told anyone I quit either. I had to secretly check in to roll call each morning. (I know..crazy). Well, about day 30 or so…I broke down and told my wife of eight years. I told her everything, hiding spots, times, amounts, and just how I got away with it. I took away the outs. She hasn’t said a word about it since (and I sense she doesn’t want to), but at least it explained my moodiness in the first part of my quit. I’m glad she will never understand the process of divorcing oneself from nicotine.

This still left me with no one to congratulate me. No attaboys. No pats on the back… No love. That’s the problem with secrets. This is where the Christmas quitters and Christmas supporters helped me the most (plus, killintime and kd4jet). Everyone..no matter who they are…likes some type of acknowledgment. So, if it is your first day…good job. Hell, if it is any day you’re not using…kudos to you. Heck, if you made it through my rambling you probably deserve more than a pat on the back.

Last, but not least, I’d like to give thanks to the site. You guys rock… Thanks for Saving me.

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member bajahammer