Fear vs. Courage – Facing My Demon
For over two decades I chewed a tin of Copenhagen every single day. I couldn’t go more than an hour or two without stuffing my face with that poisonous carcinogenic weed that caused me to develop high blood pressure, anxiety attacks, and who the hell knows what else. I saw the horrific cancer pictures. I read the ominous warning labels. I understood the risks. Yet, I defiantly chose to roll the oral cancer dice every day for 9,125 days. And if that’s not crazy enough, for the past three years I’ve spent two hours every day running and lifting weights in a cockamamie attempt to “counteract” the negative health effects of my tobacco use. Over the 25 years of my addiction to smokeless tobacco, I told myself each and every one of the standard “quit-lies”… I’ll quit when the baseball season’s over (1983). I’ll quit when the cost of a tin hits $4.00 (1987). I’ll quit when I get my wisdom teeth out (2004). I’ll quit when I get married (1996). I’ll quit when my son is born (2005). I’ll quit for my wife’s birthday or our anniversary (every year). These were brazen lies and no-so-clever deceptions I shamelessly perpetrated on myself to keep myself comfortably addicted to nicotine. Admittedly, all of this sounds freakishly insane in hindsight, but these are classic behaviors and rationalizations of an addict.
So what finally motivated me to quit? Fear. I feared getting cancer. I feared being a bad example to my two-year-old son and newborn daughter. I feared dying early from other dip-related health consequences. I feared losing the respect of my wife. More than anything else, I feared losing respect for myself. Fear is an incredibly powerful motivator, and I simply couldn’t run away from my fears any longer. I had to find the courage to fight this addiction and I had to do it immediately. All I can say is God bless “Google!” It directed my clumsy search to KTC.org and over the next twelve hours, I read everything possible, HOF speeches, Spongebob’s Mantra, The Kern letters, articles from RobAka Indy, and 7iron posts in the Café, I devoured everything there was to read. I was incredibly inspired by all of this material and from it, I gained the courage I needed to declare war on my addiction. The following morning I unceremoniously threw my last tin out the car window on my way to work. At the end of the day, I laid my head on my pillow a very proud man. Every day since, the same sense of pride comes over me as I close my eyes at night. Where there once was fear and shame, I’m filled with a great sense of peace and I regard every day I remain free from nicotine as a sublime gift that I give to myself.
This site and its myriad tools made all the difference in my quit effort. To be successful however required me to fully utilize them. Which meant, posting roll call religiously, being a regular and constructive presence on the boards or in chat, establishing contacts with quit group members and vets, being accountable, trusting advice from those who have walked this path before me, and leading the way for those who are following in my footsteps. This site works because we embrace these responsibilities and we understand that there’s no greater gift than the opportunity to give support to someone in need, and no greater reward than witnessing them succeed. Period.
To the KTC sites, my MAYniac brothers and sisters suffice to say that I’m beyond grateful to all of you. You helped save my life. Thanks to the vets, all of you talked me off a ledge at some point! Thanks to the newbies too, you are such an inspiration, and you reaffirm my reasons for quitting every day. It’s a joy to watch each one of you succeed!
I reached the Hall of Fame on May 3, 2007. I’m honored and humbled to be among this esteemed group. If one person contemplating quitting this life-stealing habit derives the courage they need to dump their tin from these words, I will consider myself truly famous.
Post-script: I am sad that my wife – to this date- has never acknowledged that I successfully kicked a habit more than twice as old as our marriage, and one that probably would have killed me eventually. Oh well, @#$% her!! I quit for ME!
NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member Sherriff
