First Post By a Giant of Quit
My name is James…and I’m scared. Like most of you’d, I’d never admit it to anyone in person, but I can freely admit it behind the anonymity of a keyboard. June 2nd ’05 is my FINAL quit day. I had an endoscopy first thing on that Thursday morning. I have been having stomach problems for several years and the endoscopy was the latest effort to try and figure out what is wrong with me.
The last thing I told the doctor as I was laying on the table was “Check my esophagus real good. I’ve dipped a can or more of Copenhagen daily for 20 years. My uncle has half a face from dipping…my grandmother died of esophageal cancer from dipping. Look me over good…and biopsy anything that looks suspicious…please.”
I made myself a deal in the weeks prior to my procedure…”If you come out of the hospital with no signs of mouth/throat cancer, you’ll quit…forever this time and consider yourself damned lucky.” I didn’t get to talk to the doctor after the procedure, but he told my girlfriend everything looked good. He took several biopsies and I need to go back to see him in 2 weeks for those results. GERD, and a small hernia has caused my stomach problems. I also have an inflamed esophagus. The doc thinks that’s from the reflux.
So, everything seems to have worked out well. So why am I scared? One word…FAILURE. This has been the one thing in my life that I have been the worst at (and I suck at a lot of things). I lose every time. I’ve used the same reasons to quit you guys have. My two beautiful sons, whom I love more than anything in this world, weren’t reason enough to quit. My marriage, my family, none of it has been a good enough reason. Nothing ever works for long. Anyone else actually bite sores on the inside of your lip so you can’t dip? I have and then I’ve dealt with the stinging of Copenhagen on a fresh wound an hour later.
I’ve been down this road so many times. I once quit for 18 months. Yep…18 whole months and I thought I had it beaten. I had to make a 14 hour drive to Wisconsin in a Ryder truck with no radio, and I was alone. Out of boredom, I bought a can for the ride to “keep me awake”. That was one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made.
It’s been a 5 day roller coaster (on day 6)…but I’m handling it pretty well. I know I’m an addict and will be until the day I die. That has been my biggest revelation this week.
It’s time to give it up. Not for my kids, not for financial reasons, not for my girlfriend…this time it will be for me because I’m tired of being ruled by a damned can of Copenhagen…and I’m lucky….very lucky. All the other things will be icing on the cake.
This time will be different. It has to be. Failure is not an option. This post has been somewhat therapeutic. Thanks for the opportunity.
My name is James…and I’m scared.
NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member loot
