How I Stay Quit

This quit was really hard. It was much harder than my first quit on this site almost 2 years ago. Back in 07, I made it to HOF and even to the second floor, but after dropping off the site, not posting roll anymore, time went by, and eventually I fell prey to the “I can have just one” cave. No one knew it because I wasn’t attached to this site anymore, wasn’t checking in, wasn’t accountable to anyone or being held accountable. It wasn’t until quite a long binge later, when I got an email from bearattack, mentioning that he read my HOF speech, that my stomach sank, and I felt like the worlds biggest ass. Close to that I got an email from Chewie checking in, and I realized that I needed to man up, and get quit for good.

I’m a hardcore addict. I am weak. I can easily become overconfident in my quit just because I go a couple days without craving a chew. I know that the further away I get from the accountability offered on this site, the closer I get to caving. I know that without these numbers in my cellphone I am essentially doing this alone….and that is how I failed last time. And now, I’m gonna bury myself in a mountain of gratitude:

I am thankful for the phone numbers I have.
I am thankful for the Octo-quitters.
I’m thankful for the vets.
I’m thankful for the power of accountability.
I’m thankful to be quit.
I’m thankful that I can come home at night and not worry about my breath, grains in my teeth, etc.
I’m thankful that I don’t have to constantly worry about where all my spitters and random cans are hidden.
I’m thankful that I can be honest with my wife about everything now.
I’m thankful that I won’t be a hypocrate to my kids when they get older.
I’m thankful that I don’t have to constantly be planning out 30-60 minute chunks of time in my day.
I’m thankful that I can hang out with ALL my friends now (remember blowing off friends who didn’t know you chewed just because you needed a chew).
I’m thankful that when I go out at night, the event I choose isn’t solely dictated by my being able to chew.
I’m thankful that my life is 1000% less stressful, all because I made a decision to quit, posted roll, joined the community, offered help, asked for help, and kept a simple promise that I made each day….to not dip that day.
I’m thankful for bearattack. Your email brought me home.

And now, here’s my previous HOF speech, which I’m very proud of, and although I threw it all away on a stupid cave, still echoes the sentiments that I feel reaching HOF again. Everything applies, the dates are just different. It IS my HOF speech:

Posted: Dec 18, 2007, 5:46 pm

Who would have thought that the one single grain of Skoal Wintergreen that I opted to put in my mouth, sophomore year in high school, would turn out to be the single greatest challenge of my life?

Most of you reading this aren’t the people who are THINKING about getting started, you’re the people who have started, have become addicted, and need help. So here’s the help I can offer:

I have been addicted to chew since I was in high school. I’m 32 years old now. I’ve dipped for pretty much half of my life. After year 5, I think, is when I started realizing that I should probably quit. I’ve spent the last 11 years trying to quit. I have probably failed at quitting over 1000 times. And I think the longest I’ve stayed quit was MAYBE a month.

I’ve tried milestone quitting. Quitting for new years (never worked), quitting on my birthday (never worked), quitting when I got married (nope), quitting during my wifes pregnancy (nope), quitting when my son was born (nope), quitting after my son was hospitalized and nearly died (didn’t work). Pretty sad.

I’ve tried the nicorette gum probably over 20 times (NEVER WORKED)

I tried asking God for help, never worked. I tried meditating…never worked. I tried avoiding all the people that chewed around me….never worked.

Pretty pathetic, huh? You most likely feel the same way. You most likely realize how sad it is, and how much added stress there is in your life, not just from needing to quit, but from all the lies, secrets, covering up you are doing in order to keep chewing. Making up stories to get out of the house to chew, staying up til the middle of the night just to get that last one in….which ends up turning into the last two, lying, lying, and more lying, hiding spitters, cans, and losing track of where they are and always having a nervous stomach when your wife comes home because if she finds any evidence of chewing, you’re dead! (That was my life)

Here’s the good news:
I have been quit, now, for over 130 days. It seems like not very long, but my life is NIGHT AND DAY different from my first quit day. It actually feels, sometimes, like I haven’t chewed for years and years! I have NO stress related to chewing. I have TONS more energy. I get so much more done. I don’t feel like I’m cheating on my wife with nicotine. I feel absolutely great!

The reason I was able to quit this time was because, in this site, I was accountable not only to myself, but I had other quitters who would also hold me accountable. Posting roll in the morning was a promise that I feared breaking. I couldn’t let down these other people who made the same promise that I made; who are going through the same hell that I’m going through. They are brothers and sisters who I most likely will never meet, and yet they know me so well. They are going through something with me, that NOBODY in my family/friend circle can relate to. And it is because of all the overwhelming support in this forum that I am able to stay quit.

I am writing this after just getting back from a trip to Hawaii. One night, my wife wanted to go to bed early, so I went for a walk around the hotel. I went into the hotel convenience store to buy some water, and I saw cans of Skoal Wintergreen behind the counter. A trigger was INSTANTLY set off, loud as hell, overwhelming my brain: THIS WOULD BE AN AWESOME TIME FOR A DIP!! BUY THE CAN, THROW IN A FATTY, STROLL THE BEACH A LITTLE BIT, GET A MAI TAI, YOU HAVE AT LEAST TWO HOURS TO CHEW!! YOU CAN HAVE TWO DIPS!!! GET IT GET IT GET IT!!) That trigger occurred in a matter of seconds. Before, I would cave and regret it later. Today, the trigger feels like it doesn’t control my decision making. My decision is already made pre-trigger. Now it’s just a trigger that I observe from a distance. “Oh, that’s how I used to think. Wow I used to be desperate”.

Quitting can be done. The beginning sucks. If you know that going in, it helps. If you know that other people are experiencing the same hell, it helps. And every time you come face to face with chewing, and you make the decision NOT to, you will become mentally stronger. And the more mental strength you gain, the weaker the triggers will become.

You should definitely start posting roll! Fuck this nicotine crap!

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member russjns