I Am An Addict…

I am an addict. I prefer my other titles; Son, Brother, Uncle, Friend, Godfather, Union Brother or Quit Brother. I often only see an addict.

I know I will always be addicted to Nic, so 100 days is celebrated with bridled enthusiasm. I am proud of myself for getting here and I wouldn’t be if not for this site and all of my quit brothers and sisters. I know there is more work to do.

I began, like many others, dipping to be “cool”. Started with Hawken, then Skoal, then Kodiak, and in recent years Griz, due to cost. For the past 20+ years, I dipped a can a day. I even got a Kodiak tattoo on my leg in college. The joke was it would tell the coroner what killed me. Maybe funny in college, not so funny now.

Like you, I have tried many times, many ways to quit. They never worked (obviously), until now. This time is different. I believe in myself and I believe in this program.

It started a few months ago. My dentist found a white sore on the back of my mouth, where I packed. She said I had to go to the oral surgeon to check it out. I wasn’t that concerned, we had done this dance before, and I was always clean. The surgeon said I was fine for now. But in passing he said, I can quit now or when I get cancer, but I will quit someday. It wasn’t forced, it wasn’t much, but it sank in. I decided to TRY to quit. I did NOT dip on the ride home.

I wasn’t sure if I should try to quit at this time. I won’t bore you with the details, but the last year of my life is like an old Johnny Cash song. I lost a job, a relationship, and even the dog was gone. Although things were getting better, maybe it was not time for another big change. I found this site and said, what the hell, I will give it a try.

BAM-less than 1 week into my quit, I ruptured my achillies and had surgury. I was faced with being house bound for months. No driving, and little walking, just sitting. What better time to dip? I thought, just quit the quit. I don’t have cancer, I just started quitting, who will give a shit??

I stayed quit because of you guys and gals. From Vets like Chewie, Skoal Monster, Volp, and SamCat, to my Feb group brothers Banner, Aug, Street, Greg, and Capt, to name a few. In only a few days, you and many others reached out to me, a stranger, and gave me words of encouragement and praise. You offered my your phone numbers and said call anytime. Without your help and accountability, this would not be possible.

I thank all of you who have posted on this site. I couldn’t fit everyone’s name, but every post is important. Even those who caved helped. I felt bad for you and never want to be in that position of explaining to a brother why I lied to them or let them down. You tought me there is no good reason to cave. Dip won’t solve your problems, pay the bills, or bring back a loved one. I saw you try… and fail.

My friends and family don’t know how hard this quit has been, but 2 people have been very supportive and helpful; Jenn and Brian-I thank you.

I have been humbled by this experience. Without Nic, I think more and care more. I hope to forgive myself for all the years wasted on that shit and all the possibilities missed. I promise, 1 day at a time, I will never miss another one.

PEACE Murf

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member d45murf