I Hate Long Goodbyes But Goodbye Copenhagen!

I remember the precise moment I closed the door. The sound of the door closing came down on top of me and I wilted under its weight. For some, the door closes early in a quit, for some it’s late. For me though, the door had to close up front. I have tried it the other way many times and it doesn’t work for me. It came as a realization that me and my life are worth more than a dip of snuff. It sounds so simple, but it’s not. Snuff does not define who I am or what I can be. But I haven’t always known that.

I was lurking on KTC (posting, but still lurking because nobody knew who rangy96 was and nobody but me knew I was doing this). I wanted a KTC wristband, but if I bought one then my wife would see the charge on the card………………….that would mean I couldn’t fail. That would mean I truly quit. That would mean………….way more than I was ready to handle. I have been primarily a ninja for the last 10 years and the wristband meant fessing up to the lies. I read Tom Kern’s story for about the 100th time and finally let go. My whole sorry nicotine addict life swelled up inside me like mouth full of spit. It spilled over in the form of tears as I sat in front of a computer at work reading about a dead man.

And I finally said goodbye to Copenhagen.

I have already said most of my story in my intro thread, but have left out one thing. That one thing is the thing I find most embarrassing and is ultimately what brought me to KTC. I was in the middle of a pre-dentist quit. You know the ones. About a week into it I got an ulcer under my tongue. But you see, I didn’t know it was an ulcer. I didn’t know what it was other than it hurt like a bitch and that I had never seen anything like it. I began to fear cancer. I was looking for pictures online and found the KTC “cancer pics” section. I only glanced at the contents of KTC as I was on a mission to convince myself I didn’t have cancer. I was modestly successful for a few days, but this ulcer wouldn’t give up. It got huge and angry red. I sat in a the parking lot of a Kroger looking under my tongue in the mirror on the visor, and sobbed.

I asked my pitiful self over and over and over, “What have I done? What have I given up for you snuff?”

The snuff answered, “You have given up your manhood, your word, your wife, your daughters, your job, your life, and your soul.”

I was too proud to pray the infamous “God give me one more chance prayer”. I didn’t deserve one more chance. I deserved death. It was not a good time at all.

Despite my refusal to pray for one more chance, it appears he has obliged me as the ulcer went away. It was just a pissed off aphthous ulcer (a new word I learned on the internet). I went to the dentist and got a clear checkup (and I told them I have been dipping for 26 years so they looked pretty good).

It hurts me to admit that I had to hit rock bottom to wake up and admit I am a powerless addict. Rock bottom for me was a Kroger parking lot with people staring at the freak in the F150 crying as if his best friend just died. What a pathetic slob. A pathetic slob who was lucky it wasn’t cancer (at least not yet).

Before the dentist and before the ulcer went away, I kept going back to KTC and reading. Something about all the people there kept bringing me back. These fucked up addicts that had some shit to say and some pain to let out. All talking about the really, really shitty things they had done just so they could dip. And I had done every single one of those same things many times. KTC was a place I belonged. Surrounded by people just like me I found a new courage. One I didn’t know I had.

I found a KTC member who listed a home town I had heard of and Pmed him. He (Aglawyer) responded and solidified my commitment. Aglawyer was on KTC (along with countless others who helped me by the way) and he wasn’t afraid to admit what he was, so maybe I could admit it too. It turns out Aglawyer and my brother-in-law are close friends. Unbelievable. And thanks Aglawyer.

Fear is what kept me from quitting. Fear that I would no longer want to get out of bed at 4 am to go to work and try to be better than everybody else. Fear that I would no longer like to hunt or fish or hang out with my kids at the pool. Or work in my garage, or any of the things that are what I like to do. Plain old fear, and I was a coward big time. I got out of bed everyday just to feed my addiction. I stayed late at work to dip and told myself I was doing it because I wanted to provide more for my family. Whatever it took, I justified a dip. Even turned dipping into a good thing whenever I needed to feel good about myself. Basically, my entire life revolved around a little silver topped can. I was a slave to the fear that leaving snuff put in my heart. If you can find some atrocity confessed to on this website so someone could have a dip, then I have done it. Haven’t found one yet that I didn’t do at least once.

On KTC, the fear of quitting is called “addict talk” and it is not tolerated. It is not tolerated because it is a lie. A lie so pervasive and evil, it kills people. You want proof it is a lie? Are you lurking here considering quitting? Are you afraid of your life without nicotine? Here is your proof that nicotine in all its forms is a lie.

I am 100 days quit and I am still me. I am not dead. No copenhagen cans have chased me down. I still work hard. I still have drive and focus. I still love to be in my garage. I still love to hunt and shoot and play with my dog. I still love my kids and my wife. Not only was every single fear I had about quitting completely baseless, but the benefits are immeasurable. I can cry right now thinking about looking my kids in the eye and telling them I am quit. I can kiss my wife without fear of being caught. If she takes my truck somewhere, I don’t freak the fuck out wondering if I left a spitter in there. I can’t list all the postives or KTC would have to buy more disk space to be able to show you this speech. Trust me on this one, it is the greatest thing that has happened to me in a long time. I am HAPPY.

I can say with certainty that dipping snuff for 26 years has profoundly changed my life. I was a slave. There is a fire of hatred in my gut for copenhagen and what it has done to me that will never die. I can go from calm to spitting mad in seconds when I think of the time, stress, and self loathing that that little fucking can has caused in my life. I didn’t kiss my wife hello when I got home from work for 16 years because I didn’t want her to smell snuff on my breath. That is so unbelievably fucked up.

But it is what I did. Notice the past tense. I have closed the door, and I will not be going back. In the words of SWJ (slightly altered!):

Copenhagen, the place I had for you is gone.

Paved over. Condemned. No longer reserved.

You can move the fuck on.

It took me a while, but I’ve got your fucking number and there’s no changing it or hiding it from me.

I know what you are.

From here on down, it is my words, not SWJ’s:

Your are a fucking sham, a liar, cheater, killer mother fucker. And you can’t have me. Fuck you.

Ok, I got the hate out, now comes the love. I will wrap it up with one big fat lip full of thank you for KTC and my Brothers of May 2012. Special thanks to Rgross and Jonathonrivers. You guys have made a big difference for me. Jonathonrivers, your quick response to a text on day 63 saved my quit. Without it I would have hit the cancer store and wouldn’t be here. Wastepanel….thanks for the early texts. You made me feel included and helped me break through the “I can’t text people I don’t know wall”. If I hadn’t made it through that wall, I wouldn’t have been able to ask for help when I needed it. Luby, thanks for keeping an eye on me. Fatsam, thanks for being my friend and making me laugh. Grizzly25, Mthomas, WT57, Tonyselle, ERDVM, and Gunner26, thanks to all of you for reading and posting. The encouragement is what allowed me to continue to deal with quitting. Thanks to everyone else I am forgetting. All of you have inspired me in some way and helped me stay quit. I am forever in your debt.

KTC is the shit. The people who make it go are saving lives.

My choices are:

1. Quit
2. Not Quit

I choose quit.

Rangy96

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member rangy96