I Made The Choice

Well here I am on day 100, at times it seems like just a few weeks ago I was dumping my last can of Kodiak down the toilet at work. At other times I still have occasional cravings for a dip, but can now safely keep them in check.

What led me to quit? Hard to say, I guess I was just done. I was done spending five bucks a can for something that hurt me. I was done rolling the dice with cancer, knowing each dip I took raised the odds another notch. I was done having a sore mouth all the time. I was done having to always worry about having shit in my teeth. I was done ninja dipping, hiding it from family. I was just done. I lived with this feeling for a while, maybe a couple of months.

Then I was watching Deadliest Catch one night in April with my wife, and one of the captains was a dipper and he was on pins and needles waiting for the results from a doctor to find out if he had cancer. That was the catalyst that made me say enough is enough. That I don’t want to be that guy, and that dammit, I had free will and if I became that guy it would be because I CHOSE TO.

So like many people here, I just did a casual web search about quitting chewing tobacco. Of course that led me to KTC.

I read and read pages of speeches and the other content on here, and I think reality slowly began to sink in. Then I stumbled upon the “Contract to Give Up“, part of which said…

“I love dipping more than I love my family. I know this addiction will kill me, and I ACCEPT that fact. I enjoy spending time alone with my can more than I enjoy spending time with anyone else on the planet. I look forward to losing my jaw, my tongue, my throat, my life – it’s worth it…”

Ouch, another body blow to my “friendship” with the can.

I think I finally realized that dipping was ultimately and totally selfish. That it WOULD hurt others possibly even more than it hurt me. And the worst part for me – the worst fear I had: what if I continued dipping… and one day, maybe 2 years from now, maybe 30 years from now – doesn’t matter, but one day I went to the doctors office to find out if I had cancer. How would that feel? But even worse, how would it feel trying to explain the unexplainable to my wife, my kids, my family – that I loved dip more than them and I chose this route knowing the consequence.

Knock-out punch. Dip – you’re out.

That was just something I couldn’t live with. I can’t say that I try to be a good person, to be strong, to be unselfish, to support my family – and be a dipper. You have to pick ONE. They are mutually exclusive.

So I did. I picked the one that won’t kill me: the wife who loves me, the little girl whom I adore. And every night when I get home after another day of not dipping, I know I made the right choice.

Thanks to the whole July group and everyone here at KTC. As I look at all the quit groups, it’s awesome to think about all the lives that are being saved, including mine.

-beltbuckle, day 100.

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member beltbuckle