I Never Meant To
My story is like so many I have read on here. I am not sure I can say anything that has not already been said, but I will give it a try. I never meant to start! I took my first dip when I was 15 on the bleachers after baseball practice, still remember the guy that gave it to me. It tasted good for about 45 seconds, then the burn started, then the dizziness, it made me feel “cool” I was now one of the guys. Looking back I wish I had been smart enough to never try it again. Sadly that was not what happened. I was a casual user for the first few years, only using it during baseball games or practice, an occasional dip on the weekend but a can would last me a week or more. Not a big deal I would say, I can quit any time I want to. Not sure when it went from a dip a day to a can a day but somewhere in there it did; and 20+ years later I sit here clean again for the first time since I was a teenager. The thought of that is very chilling; I have been stuffing my face every day for more than half my life with something I knew was not good for me, could possibly kill me. I could not stop, how stupid! How sad! But I never meant to start.
I sit here writing this and still cannot believe it has been 100 days since I had my last dip! I never meant to quit. My quit started innocently enough. I did not plan it, I did not set a day, I just woke up on October 30, 2009 and as I reached for my can the thought of what I had been doing pissed me off so I decided to not dip that day and see what happened. First day went well, so I decided to try it again the next day. I was on day 13 when I first found this site and at the time I was about to lose it, I needed some answers to the weird sores in my mouth, I could not understand the anxiety I was feeling, and I was wondering if I had waited too long and had done serious damage to myself. I wondered why I could not hold a thought in my head, it was all very scary and I could not find the answers I was looking for anywhere else. I started reading all I could when I found this site; I spent the entire day reading posts, the welcome articles and HOF speeches. The first thing I remember reading was what to expect when you quit, very good article! It explained so well the things I had been going through. Reading that the sores in my mouth were a normal part of healing was a big relief, and the more I read the more relieved I became. I read everything I could and decided since I was 13 days in already might as well join the site. What could it hurt? I had not done so well on my own in previous attempts so maybe this place could help me out. So I signed up and headed for the chat room. Everyone began asking if I was clean? How many days? Had I posted roll? I was not even sure what posting roll meant and was so damn foggy I was having trouble answering the questions. I was amazed at the number of people willing to help me; complete strangers actually cared if I was quit. Very strange, and as a newbie I was not sure what to expect so I just sat and watched as guy after guy came in and talked about how shitty their day was, or some big obstacle they had overcome and everyone in the room genuinely cared about these things and either offered words of encouragement or shared in the excitement that person was feeling. I knew I was in the right place.
As I began posting roll each day and reading the other boards, going into chat I slowly began to see how this place worked. I was getting phone numbers from complete strangers and I was giving mine out, again very strange but for some reason it did not bother me. I had always been afraid to give my number out over the internet but these were guys fighting with me, trying to break the same addiction I have. I slowly filled my phone with numbers and soon realized the importance of having them handy. I posted my promise every morning to people I had never seen, other than a screen name and a picture on the computer, but that act kept me from dipping! Daily veterans would come to show their support for us and give us advice as we struggled through the beginning parts of our quit. I am now quit for 100 days and I owe it to this site, and my quit brothers and sisters!! I look back over the last 20 years I cannot imagine how I was so stupid for so long. This quit has been a long time coming! I have cheated my family, friends and myself for far too long. I feel better than I have in years! Is this what freedom feels like? I am only 100 days quit but it sure feels good right now. This is only a beginning to a lifetime of quit so I will not get too cocky. I have my tools, I have my plan, and I have a community of bad ass quitters to help me keep going!!
To my wife and my family I can never begin to thank you enough! You have supported me through all of this even when you did not truly understand what I was feeling or why I was acting the way I was; you supported me and wanted me to continue and for that I am eternally grateful! It would have been very easy to drop the whole thing in the beginning but your daily encouragement made it easier for me to keep fighting and there was no way I could disappoint you all again.
To my February brothers what can I say? This has been an amazing journey! I did not know any of you when we started all of this and now you have helped me to achieve something I thought was impossible. Whether it was a good rant, a messed up roll call, or tracking down missing people you all helped me make it through each day and at just the right time someone would say the right thing to keep me going. Our group had many tragedies and I watched as each of you fought through the pain and continued you’re quits. How could I let you down after seeing that? Thank you all for being so strong and helping me keep my promise to you on a daily basis. Whether it was words of encouragement or a kick in the ass you all gave me what I needed and kept me moving forward.
To all of the veterans: How does one try to thank so many people? Each of you played a crucial part in my quit! You talked to me in chat, you encouraged me with your posts, and you supported our group every day. Everywhere you go on this site there are veterans willing to stop what they are doing and answer your questions, whether it is a PM or a post in a group there is plenty of advice to go around and that is the magic of this place. When I started this journey I looked to you as the example of how to succeed at quitting, you obviously have it figured out and I will continue to look to you as I continue my journey.
My plan now is to pay it forward and help as many new people as I can, the way you all helped me. KTC and the members of this site have helped me accomplish something I thought could not be done 100 days ago, this site is amazing and so are all of you!
I never meant to start, I cannot undo that. I never meant to quit either but I am glad I did and I will fight every day to make sure I do not undo that !!!!
If you are reading this wondering what to do next here it is:
- Take that dip out of your face!
- Dump your can of whatever it is in the toilet and flush it
- Enroll on this site, and follow the path set by so many others
- Post roll every day and live up to your word.
- Repeat daily and you too can be free from the can!
NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member Greg5280
