If You’re Thinking About Leaving – She Sneaks Up On You

So, this is 6 months quit…

I really thought CNC, Moe, and myself were clear that being a retread is not all the fun and games people make it out to be. We screamed how important it is to post roll everyday. We’ve practiced it for close to 200 days now. Yet, the basterds keep falling off roll one by one.

It pisses me off because I fell off the posting wagon early in 2007. I stopped posting around 150 days in that stoppage. I didn’t cave right away. I was “quit”!

In the next 850 plus days, my brain began ridding itself of my addict thoughts. It started with the nicotine cravings and ended with the tools I learned that kept me quit. The greatest lie ever is an addict convincing himself he’s cured.

I never planned caved. I got drunk, and I asked to bum one off of my friend. It was that simple. No warning lights went off. I hadn’t even thought about the site in quite a while. I said “That sounds good” and I was off. I didn’t feel bad afterwards either. It was gross, and I spit it out fairly quickly.

I did not think about it again for about a week. Unfortunately, I started a timer in my body that was going to lead to it returning to a dependent state.

The next week, the nic bitch was in my ear.

Scott….you’re the man. You used to chew all the time. Not anymore. Hell, you chewed last week with no cravings or thoughts of it until now. It’s true. You can’t get re-addicted with just one. In fact…I bet you could chew with your friends now. Just don’t buy a can…

So I did.

Everytime I saw my friends, I was chewing again. Until they got pissed over all the bumming I was doing…

Scott…It’s not fair these guys have to give up their hard earned money all the time. Would you be happy if they kept coming over and drinking your beer? Just buy a can and toss it afterwards. Kara will never know…

So I did.

I bought a can for $4.50 everytime I went out with my friends (or I was drinking and my wife wasn’t around). I would have 3-4 chews a night on these occasions (1 night a week) for the next month or so. At first, I’d toss the can the moment I got in the car. Gradually, it was as I was pulling into my neighborhood.

Until one day…

Scott…Are you really going to waste that? You have a good $3.00 worth of chew. You can keep it in your car and just get out when you’re going out with your friends. That’s just being thrifty, man. You’re strong, and it’s not like you’re re-addicted….

So I did.

I put the can in the glove compartment and would forget about it until I was going out (until tax season started though). Tax season sucks. You give up 3 good months of your life and everybody in it. I was working much more, and my stress level was through the roof. One night, as I was coming home from work at 1:30 am, my can beckoned me.

Scott…I can relax you. You still reach for me out of habit when you get stuck on a tax return. I’ve always been there to help you out, and I’m willing to do it again. As long as you’re not chewing at home, you’re fine. That’s how you can stay control of me, ok?

So I did.

By March of 2010, I was back to chewing as much as I could. I didn’t see my wife that often, and would sneak downstairs to “work on taxes”. When I did see her, we were in bed, waking up from the bed, or eating a meal.

I was chewing all day long, but I wasn’t re-addicted. Nope…I was in control.

Yet I had started chewing at home because I wanted to.

I didn’t care anymore. I liked chewing. It relaxed me. It made me a better worker. It took the edge off. And I was dreading April 15 because it meant I was going to have to be home more and I could not go an entire evening without chewing.

My wife had just cleaned the kitchen floor. I had been putting in chews over the garbage can to assure there was no sprinkles on the floor. I missed that day. She grabbed a napkin, and started picking it up. She looked at it, and asked me if I had anything I wanted to tell her. I told her I started chewing again. It felt great to be free.

She was pissed.

I didn’t care. I now had an excuse to chew all day long, everyday. No fucking hiding it. No pretending that I’m quit. Just cancer weed all day long.

It took me from October 25, 2009 to March 2010 for this process to complete. It wasn’t overnight. It was a series of compromises I made with myself. I never craved initially. I never thought about the negative consequences or the board. It was a sneaky process, but deep down I knew. I knew the path I was on.

I am 184 days quit today. I have yet to miss a roll call.

That was my promise to myself when I returned. I forgot everything last time because I stopped posting roll. I stopped reminding myself how bad I was beforehand, and I stopped soiling nicotine’s name. I forgot.

I will never forget again because I don’t want to fucking do this again. There’s way too good of a life that exists outside of a physically addicted state. I can run around with my boys. I don’t have to explain what “Skoal Straight” is to a 7 year old. I don’t have sneak a chew in before coaching his tee ball team. I don’t have to pre-plan to kiss my wife. My temperature doesn’t go up to 175 degrees the moment I am done eating. I don’t wake up with that shit on my face. My shower doesn’t clog because I ‘ve spit a wad into the drain. Clients don’t give me wierd looks when they realize I am, in fact, sporting a fatty in a meeting.

I give 30 seconds each morning for that freedom. There are no compromises on that. A cave is a compromise wrapped in lies. The rules are simple:

(1) Post roll.
(2) Stay quit.
(3) Repeat.

Please tell me where there is room to compromise in there. If you skip step 1, then are you supposed to skip it all the time since step 3 is “repeat”? How long until you start skipping step 2? 850 days?

Best. Return On Investment. Ever.

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member wastepanel