I’m ASHAMED

Ashamed.

1975 – Red Man, Levi Garrett, Bull of the Woods
1980 – Skoal Wintergreen, Skoal Long Cut Straight (bout a can a day habit)
2010 – QUIT!

35yrs of slow motion suicide. There are not but a few thing in life I have done every single day for the past 35yrs. Eat, bathroom duties…..That about all I can think of – Oh, yes – the #1 priority was putting nicotine in my system. Like clockwork, certain times of the day, certain activities, and usually for no reason at all. Maybe see some stranger jam one in his lip which would inspire me to do the same. So conditioned – it was such a big part of my life.

At first I would try to hide it from my friends and family – but eventually I said fuck it and began throwing in a dip right in front of my small children. Never considering the consequences —- Oh, but there were consequences.

I don’t hunt fish or play golf – my spare time has been spent coaching my three kids in football, baseball, and softball. All of the parks have a no tobacco policy. Hell, I didn’t care. Big fat lip, spitting, can outline in my pocket – never realizing how big an idiot I was and how stupid I looked in front of kids and their parents. Real good role model and leader of children.

Im ASHAMED.

Thirty five years of tobacco mouth and I never considered quitting. For one, I didnt think I had the power to quit. And secondly, I just loved dipping. But who wouldnt? Specks in my teeth, nasty stinking cups all around, yellow teeth, receeding gums, sores in my mouth, panic when running low, but best of all the the possibility of tongue, mouth, throat and an assortment of different cancers.
Good times right?

Then one night my son (some of you may know him as JDFerguson07) came to me. He was visibly distressed and uncomfortable. He said he was quitting his Griz habit. I congratulated him. He also said he could no longer live with me because of my skoal habit. Then he invited me to quit with him. I stumbled over some words and said I would. He told me about KTC and left for the evening. I broke down and cried – seeing the pain my son was feeling was overwhelming. What kind of father would I be if I said no to quitting? I feel very strongly that he had this awful habit cause he had seen his father dip or chew his whole life. Funny thing is – Im responsible for him starting and he is responsible for me quitting. I used to buy three can specials to save money – (which by the way is like shopping around for the cheapest bullets before you commit suicide). Id have a few extra cans around and offer one up to my son. Generosity? Ha! Thats real fatherly love ” here son, heres you some poison to put in your mouth. Go kill yourself.

Im ASHAMED!

I began reading everything I could on KTC. It helped so much reading about the journey of so many guys just like me. Everyone here has their own inspiration and reason for quitting. KTC said I had to quit for me – I had to be ready to quit.
Cant quit for wife or girlfriend. But that wasnt the case for me. See, I feel responsible for my son being exposed to this shitty habit. My son asked for my help and there is no fucking way I will ever let him down. We shared a nasty, filthy, dangerous habit. Now we share a QUIT. Something no one can ever take from us. So I stay quit for someone else. Who cares its my quit, right? I have had each of my three children tell me how proud they are of me. That in itself makes this quit so worthwhile and forever attainable.

Thanks are due to the quitters before me that give us this great resource called KTC. The positive messages are endless.

Ricdiculous – I still read your emails – your words were few but so helpful. You helped me through a few dark days.

And JDFerguson07 – my son – my quit partner. Please forgive me. You put me on this path and I love you so much for doing so. We did this together and you are so right – We ARE a great team. Lets stay quit ma boy!

raymferg,
Ashamed no Longer

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member raymferg