Is This Reality?

The darkness haunts me.

I panic .. the lump in my throat .. the shame .. the guilt .. the secret.

Tears stream down my face as I wonder the hows and whys. How could I throw away all the days of my past? Why did I torture myself about thinking into the future? What was it that made me look back as if you were my friend again? The friend whom days, months … hell years ago had died inside of me!

Get out of my f*cking head! I’m so tired of hearing the voices telling me what is right and what is wrong ………………. I toss and turn ..

Morning light awakens me. .. Is this reality?

Driving to work .. I feel the sudden panic knot up in the back of my throat!
Why did I do it? What do I tell those who know? I feel as if I am going to be sick.

My head is pounding now .. adding to the stress that each day I seem to try and overcome.
Driving home, I start to think .. I really unravel all my accomplishments because I thought I couldn’t cope. .. Is this reality?

I begin to comprehend that it was just an awful nightmare .. Why are you playing with my head???
Not sure if I should smile that I didn’t succumb to my old habits or cry because of my fears …

Darkness is creeping in again … (yawn)
My lids begin to fade away the world once more.

Ohh .. my body becomes tense
I feel the sudden pace of my heart. I look around for answers. I feel dirty because I have givin’ up.
How do I explain those of the unthinkable I’ve done? The hurt and pain they’ll feel .. the betrayal .. is this reality?

I’m not sure what’s real anymore. Sometimes I feel so trapped by both worlds.
My day and night!

I suppose my darkness is my reality .. it’s of my past.
Something I wish to never visit with again. …..
Yet in my head, I know it’ll forever be a part of me.

-mylilsecret

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member mylilsecret