It’s Like a Fucking Hallmark Card

I remember thinking when I set out to write this thing that I didn’t want to talk about the specifics of my habit because they’re most likely pretty much the same as everyone else’s. But I’ve decided against that, and I hope you find my story somewhat interesting.

My story began when I was 15 years old, and it was my first day at boarding school. I was in a senior’s room with a bunch of my future lacrosse teammates and a guy named Matt asked me if I wanted to try a pinch of his Skoal. I was in love from the very first time I tasted it. By graduation, I was a 17 year-old dipping 2 tins a day. I never even bothered trying to quit in high school. I remember once I fooled around with a girl who worked the counter at a little market in town and she gave me logs for the price of one tin. Several years later I remember looking back at that time and thinking it was the best year of my life.

Once I got to college and beyond and it became not so cool to dip, I tried to quit. I tried soooo many times. I once bought a box of nicorette and tried to take it back the first day after chewing a whole sheet of the stuff at once. I actually quit for about 2 months when I was 23 with the help of Zyban. It felt great, and it turned out to be a great summer. Then, one night I was walking home from a party at 3 am with a good buddy when he threw in a dip of Skoal Mint. I remember it didn’t feel like I remembered, and I felt relieved, because I thought it was no big deal, I wasn’t addicted any more. I could just have one every once in a while. That lasted maybe a couple days. Once in a while turned into one per day, but I was in control the whole time. Yeah right. You know the rest.

At some point, I can actually remember the day, I was about 25 or so, I basically accepted the fact that I would never be able to quit, and that was a really tough realization to have to come to. I always thought of myself as pretty tough mentally and to have to surrender to tobacco was crushing. For a while I just dwelled in the fact that I was defeated. I quit fighting and turned my efforts to concealing my habit. I would do it privately, not letting anyone in my life know about my weakness. My girlfriend didn’t know for the longest time, I could always wait until I got home from work, I washed out my spitters as soon as I was done with them, it wasn’t ideal, but it was livable. Of course, I had my setbacks, ruined vacations with the girlfriend, family get togethers, nights out with friends whom I hadn’t seen for years, etc. were all ruined over the course of my very secretive affair with UST.

Then on February 2 or 3, I was on vacation in New Hampshire, getting ready to go to Florida and I decided that I had had enough. I just don’t know what it was about this trip, but I decided I had tormented myself enough over the years and I had enough of the pain. I knew about this kind of site (the other one, not KTC) from a failed attempt a couple years ago. When I returned from Florida, I Googled Quit Dip (or something to that effect) and came across KTC. I was already 7 or 8 days in. My last dip was February 5 at 11:30 pm. I have been here with you giving and keeping my word every day since then.

Now for my words of wisdom. I don’t have any. I’m not here to tell you something you haven’t heard before, to give you a new perspective on this thing we battle every day. There’s nothing I can tell you that you can’t read somewhere else on this site. Hopefully if you are reading this, then you have taken the first and most important step towards quitting – you got honest with yourself about your addiction and the harm you are causing yourself and you have made the decision to stop. Everything you need from here on is here for you. Use it.

I want to thank everyone who is in any way affiliated with this site. I won’t go into the long list of individuals who have helped me along the way. Hopefully I have let you know how much your words and support have helped me. There is one exception, however. When I first returned from that trip back in February, and I was even waiting on my confirmation email to come, I stopped into chat and made a contact with a member who I have tried my best to keep in contact with and keep my word to. His support from that early stage made me want to get to know more about this site and be a part of it. Shawn/Redtrain, you’re a hell of a guy. Thank you.

Okay, while we’re on the subject, NMC, Colonel, all of May 09, May 08, SPARKY!!!, Tab and all the other guys in chat most nights, all the noobs/pre HOFers – thank you for makin me check in on you every morning. Thanks to all KTC

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member bert