My Developing Revelation – I Hate My Addiction

Day 46

My developing revelation:

I rarely ever use the word hate. I think it is an extremely strong word that is used way too often and loosely for the power that it possesses. Not a day goes by that I don’t hear the word being used in a phrase like “I hate when that happens”, or “Don’t you hate it when…” or “I hate that show”. When I think of the word hate, I think of things like the enemy, bigotry, racism, or extreme violence. And today I can add something else to that list, my addiction.

I am deeply saddened that I allowed this to happen to me. When I think about the how or why of my addiction with a rational and nicotine-free oxygen-rich mind, I am compelled to realize a few things.

1. I nurtured this addiction daily for over 22 years. In that time I never went more than 15 hours without packing my lip with tobacco.

2. My habit became a relationship. This relationship grew very strong. Just as any relationship would when given 22 years of consistent daily attention.

3. This relationship had quietly grown to be THE most important relationship in my life. It became more important than my wife, my family, my friends; it even became more important than my life. That fucking sucks to admit, but it is the unadulterated truth.

4. When I realized that this relationship was not healthy and I wanted out, some emotions surfaced just like when any other intimate relationship is ending. There was some anxiety, grief, pain, jealousy, fear, and hatred.

I decided to quit years ago, in fact I decided to quit all the time when I was dipping. The idea was there for years, but my mistress kept lying to me saying that I couldn’t do it and I wasn’t strong enough. The reality is that she is still lying to me every day.

I don’t enjoy her company anymore, but she didn’t take the break up easy and she is still trying to patch things up. She is still trying get back together. She is tenacious and doesn’t seem to get the idea that I don’t want her around anymore. I make a promise everyday that I am not going back to her, but she ignores me, and she continues to whisper in my ear. She tells me how great things will be, but I know it’s a lie.

We were together for over 22 years. That is over 8030 days. How can I expect not to constantly think about something that I had a daily intimate relationship with for over 8000 days? Is it realistic or fair to expect some resentment and resistance over the next few months, years, even decades?

I want to say no, fuck that, I quit dipping and that’s it… Leave me alone. Didn’t you hear me? I said we’re done; now go away and never come back.

If only it were that easy. I’m learning it doesn’t work like that.

So now I begin to feel the hatred and resentment build, not because I hate myself. I don’t at all; in fact I love myself so much that I made the difficult decision to quit an unhealthy relationship. I am developing the strength to maintain that decision each and every day. The strength that is necessary to overcome repeated daily temptation from my past relationship.

Just like a warrior needs to develop a healthy hatred and pity for his enemy, I also need to develop a healthy hatred and pity of my past relationship. I think this is the strongest way for me to have continued, lifelong success. If I am successful then in about 8030 days I may have erased the memory of that tenacious mistress.

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member sensei