My First 100 at KTC – Hey, It’s a Start…

I’m 150 days into my quit, but 100 days on KTC. I found this site after being quit on my own for 50 days.

The un-original backstory: started as a kid, because in NC they sold dip to kids. Then on to cigs, and it was on and off, into my early 20s, when it was game on. Back and forth, dip then cigs, dip and cigs, on and on.

College, bands, moved to the city, desk jobs, dreams deferred and pursued. Women. A long, bad relationship ending beautifully with my first little man. Found the love of my life. Got married, she gave me a 2nd beautiful boy. Little man evolved: baby, toddler, little boy, big brother.

Life, and all it’s amazing changes, happened. But through it all, she was with me. I’ve wanted out of the relationship – I had four serious quits over the last three years – but, well…she…did things for me. Sure I felt dirty, but I knew I deserved it.

I had a bad fight with my wife one perfect Sunday last fall, abandoned football for the day, and went out for a hike. I was confused, angry, scared of losing my marriage, at a crossroads. If you’re here, you know what I’m talking about.

The only clarity I had was knowing I needed a positive to start building around. I was being the best husband I could be, the best dad I could be, the most patient person to a crazy baby mama I could be. Wasn’t I? Course I was! So what could I do better? Pretty sure I was pondering all these questions with a huge lipper in. But I just. couldn’t. for the life of me! figure out what to change…

Obviously, it hit me. Reluctantly, but all the more powerful because of the obvious. No, I didn’t throw out the can. I took it home and nursed it all day, right to the bitter end. Like a junkie.

The first three days I raged, found Whyquit.com, and read and regurgitated its info to myself, and anyone who listened. That Thursday, we found out my wife was pregnant. It’s gonna be a girl.

To this day, I think it was the universe rewarding my leap of faith.

Yeah, the first few sucked, but the whirlwind of an unexpected pregnancy picked me up and carried me a long time. Whyquit.com carried me other times; but it got to a point where I thought, “F*ck the cigs; I’m ready to burst into tears because I miss my lip friend. It’s nice they commiserate over the mystical ‘drag’ off a butt, but where’s the site about packing a tin, about throwing one in at my desk and feeling smarter than the smokers as the nic chill runs through me – where’s my…people?” And I found KTC. I posted. And I knew I was home.

I may not have lasted this long without KTC. I KNOW I won’t make it in the future without KTC. Because she’s been back lately. The wolf was scared of the fire at first, but she’s been getting bolder lately, flashing through dreams, starring in them, howling in triumph as I cave in those dreams. I wondered what the old-timers here meant, exactly, when they talked about her “whispering.” I don’t wonder anymore, because that’s what she does. She whispers. Insidious, fucking maddening promises. Like Edmund with the Turkish Delight. It’s been harder in the last two weeks than anytime since the first two weeks.
And it’s why I’m grateful to whoever in Jan ’12 (ToeTag?) said, “hell no don’t let this fall apart, once more into the breach dear friends, onward to 200.” Because without these strangers, and their ass-kicking loyalty who give a great big F.U.C.K about all the quits in this family?…

Admitting that is saddening, sobering…and liberating. Because it’s reality, and it’s hard, but I have a chance. I have a chance because I have brothers and sisters who love me – and one job: Post roll.

I’m not good at self-discipline. I’ve struggled with keeping my word. Hell, let’s be honest, I’ve struggled with being an addict and lying to loved ones about it. Those aren’t traits I love about me. They’ve made me do things I’m ashamed of. So here’s what I’m gonna do. Here’s what I feel proud as a MFer about. Coming here. Posting roll. Keeping my goddamn word. And doing it with all of you.

So yeah, it’s been 150. So what? Seriously. 1500? 15? 1.5? Doesn’t matter. Sorry. Know what does? Getting my ass here in the morning and posting.

So simple, just gotta do it. Hard, but simple. Like life.

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member fatsam72