Nicotine Addict That Decided To Take His Life Back

Hi my name is Brandon. I am a nicotine addict that decided to take his life back. It all started when I was about 5 years old my uncle decided to teach us all a lesson and made us take a dip of Copenhagen and swallow it. He said “now let that be a lesson to you to never dip.” Well he had good intentions but it didn’t work we all turned out to become slaves to nicotine. I had my first cigarette in 1996 while stationed with the Navy in and it just went downhill from there. By the 1999 I was done with my tour overseas and I had not only become a slave to nicotine I allowed it to make me a slave to alcohol as well. Problem was when I had one I couldn’t do with out the other. So started my life of smoking, dipping and drinking. This caused me to be told I was not allowed to reenlist in the Navy. I took my honorable discharge from the Navy and joined the Army where I got worse.

By now I am smoking a pack a day and if I couldn’t smoke because I was indoors I was dipping and spitting in trashcans. This became my normal life because everyone around me was doing the same thing so I figured why not. Well around 2006 I got married and had my first child and then I started to rethink things because I felt bad having my daughter see me smoke or dip. Regardless I did not quit because I listened to the nicotine tell me its ok she will not care. Now in 2009 my son was born and I saw him all of 1 hour after he was born then deployed for 1 ½ years before seeing him again. By this time I was worse than before. I couldn’t drink overseas so I was smoking, dipping, wearing a nicotine patch and drinking massive energy drinks all at the same time. So I was wired 24/7 and I enjoyed the feeling. When I came home in 2011 the rush wore off and I got bored quickly but I didn’t quit my addictions I still let them control my life and in there I got so bad in the head I had cheated on my wife put my addictions above my family turned my back on everyone that tried to help me and gave up basically.

In October 2013 I decided you know what maybe they are right I need to quit to be a father to my kids. So I quit it all at one time cold turkey. By December my wife was ready to kill me. This is when I first heard about KTC and joined. I was doing good but the struggle was intense and to make it worse we decide to take to young kids one 8 and the other 5 to Disney World. That right there not only will put any normal person in a panic attack but with a soldier with extreme anxiety and severe PTSD and no medication or nicotine I was going nuts. Shortly after that trip I picked back up the nicotine but not the bottle.

Now I have noticed I had a issue but I continued to live my life as normal dipping at work spitting in trashcans and coke bottles at home and not thinking of it. Around 2017, I surrender to the ministry to become a Preacher and let me tell you that shocked the nation. Some even told me to check the number to make sure who was actually calling me. In 2018 I would not lie on a test evaluation of a soldier and some of my closest guys I have been deployed with betrayed me and decided to get rid of me. So they started doing some digging into my life and found I was seeing a therapist and took that to my supervisors and I was threatened several times about my job if I didn’t do what they asked. I knew it would take more than them to kick me out but they found a way and next thing I know I am riding my motorcycle home one day thinking if I run it into a tree no one would think suicide. Immediately my kids flashed before my eyes and I stopped in the road and called my Captain and said I need help I have just felt suicidal.

I thought by asking for help I would get help, was I wrong. I was told to take time off and next thing I know I have been stripped of my title of Platoon Sergeant, no longer allowed to lead soldiers, I am not allowed to fly anymore, I am not allowed to carry a weapon or do weapon quals, I am not even allowed to go back to my own office that I helped design and build to pack my things. So now I still did not give in to drinking but my nicotine intake went to extremes vaping, dipping, smoking cigarettes and cigars non stop all day. I was sent to another location for cognitive testing and to see head shrinks non stop and then now the 6 pages front and back of medications come to try and cure me with a magic pill.

For another year the Army tried every pill and person it could find to not only subdue me and shut me up but to put me in a zombie state basically. So finally I decided I had enough and got myself a lawyer and fought for my medical discharge. I was already told I was not going to be allowed to reenlist so I had to do something to protect my family so I did. In June 2019 I was medically discharged from the Army at 18 years of active service with a total of 24 years of service (Between Active duty and National Guard). I should have been able to stay to my 20 but nope they wanted me out so they could control people better. So I was sent home with no retirement party no goodbye speeches no farewell party just nothing.

In 2020 my mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, a couple months later my dad cuts of 4 of his fingers on his left dominant hand and a month after that 2 tornados touch down around us tearing up trees, roads, houses, it was so bad it looked like a war zone. Needless to say things were not looking good at my house life because all the added stress my wife and I were not in a good place and I am trying to be a great preacher but I am failing at everything. I give into my desires and go back to my old ways and take my nicotine to the extreme again with a pack of cigarettes a day a can of Copenhagen every 2 days vaping in between and drinking redbull like water. I still wasn’t right in the head again with all of this and I cheat on my wife a second time. This time I stand before the church and own up to all I have done and told them I would leave if they wanted me to. With long time waiting they decided to keep me and help me.

Life got better and in 2024 I was turkey hunting with a really close friend who does not do any nicotine and who is a big Christian and I asked him if I offended him by being a preacher and dipping and smoking. He told me that was between me and God. Well that was in April of 2024 and I said a prayer that God when your ready for me to quit please let me know. Well in October 19,2024 I was going about my day as normal and decided to put a dip in. I got so sick at my stomach I literally was dry heaving. I was shocked and said ok went on about my business then grabbed a cigar and lit it and choked like it was the first time I ever smoked and again go so sick I was dry heaving. I was immediately reminded of that prayer I had said a few months earlier and I said ok God I get the picture.

This has been the best quit I have ever had because immediately it was taken from me all desires to have it but that doesn’t mean I was cured of the voice in my head trying to get me to go back. That voice kept me up for days and days during first week or so trying to get me to just have one more. I remembered my first quit in 2014 and went looking or KTC to help me stay accountable to myself. I find it and answer my questions of coming back and decide to stick it out this time.

Has it been easy all the time? Not at all!! There have been my days where I just want one so bad it makes me shake. Setting in a deer stand for 10 hours, driving 12 hours one way and back with no stops, watching movies with family, all of this I did with a dip in. Now its not as fun because I would have to fight myself to still do these same things but without nicotine. This quit though was for me and me alone because a promise I made to God I am staying quit. The ones before were for others and I would resent them when I quitted but the quit never stuck. I remembered that from my first time with KTC that my quit has to be for me not anyone else.

One of the things I have learned in my life if you want something bad enough you will fight like all get out to get it and you want quit till you win. That was my mentality going into this quit. I was going to throw everything I had at the nicotine devil and fight it like crazy to stay quit. Along the way I have had the privilege of meeting some great people in my group to help me stay quit and I have been able to help others overcome their cravings. We all know the cravings will never ever leave us but we learn how each day to overcome them and live without them. It is a constant battle because that little sneaky nicotine serpent will try and trip you up. I have had dreams were I woke up thinking I had messed up by smoking that I got online and posted my failure for caving then I for real woke up thinking, Wow I just saw myself wake up inside another dream and post online about caving.

It is a mind game but once you learn how to overcome it with lifestyle changes you can beat the nicotine. It will not be easy and it will suck worse than anything you have ever done in your life but once I made it to my 100 Day Hall Of Fame and saw all my guys congratulate me I was excited and I knew this is where I am supposed to be.

Now KTC is not without it crazy moment because majority of us in here are Alpha Males and some like to pick and play to get others riled up but it is all in good to help each other stay quit. Most people can make it to 100 but its after that when it gets interesting. As I am writing this I am at 120 days quit and I have noticed the difference in myself and others after 100 day mark. We don’t push or check on each other as much but I do know if I need them they are there and if they need me I am here for them. This by far has been the best decision I have made in a very long time and I thank my KTC family for helping me stay clean and quit.

January Jabroni for life
Brandon

NOTE: This piece written by Kill The Can community member Brandon