Phat Pauly – Quitting Dip, Concussions and HR

Well boys… great fuckin idea.

“Just take the fuckin can and dump it out”… what could possibly go fuckin wrong?

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Ever seen a 6′ 220 lb guy laughing like a mother fuckin hyena running away from a 5’6” about 140 lb guy who is full on Chugg raging at the loss of a $22 tin of cancer?

Did I mention that we got some late spring bullshit snow storm here last night?

Any of you fuckers stop to think that fuckin around at work is likely frowned upon by the big wigs?

So… the little bastard comes up and goes “Shit Pauly… you know you want some, you can’t stay quit forever.” Sure, i say, gimme a little dip.

Then Pauly takes the tin, pulls the top off it, sticks the finger and thumb in, and then proceeds to make like he’s gonna take a real big fuckin dip.

Pauly grabs a great big dip then flicks into the air like fuckin pixie dust. the Pauly puts the can down on the concrete floor and stomps on it with his work boot and begins to giggle like a school girl.

Then, the rage starts. This guy is so goddam mad that he is literally ranting incomprehensible sounds and snarling.

Of course, this is VERY amusing, so Pauly begins to laugh uncontrollably. Like, tears running down my face busting a fuckin gut HOWLING.

Ever try running away from an insane little man while unable to breathe you’re laughing so fuckin hard? He’s chasing me around the trucks and throwing random punches and kicks and I’m still giggling. He’s getting madder and madder, so i round the corner at the front of one of the trucks and get fancy… BUTTON HOOK!!!

Well, Mr Angry chewer slips in a puddle on the concrete floor. Mr Angry Chewer’s noggin goes thwack on the bumper and then the concrete.

This just keeps gettin funnier and funnier, so now I’m leaning on the hood trying to catch my breath howling and fucking laughin so hard I think I’m gonna die.

Then, Pauly’s boss’s boss comes out of the office to find out what the fuck is goin on. He looks even angrier… Ever try explaining that what I’m told looks like I laid a fuckin whuppin on this guy is the result of advice from a bunch of insane mother fuckers I’ve never met? And an “accident”?

Well… Pauly got sent home early today. I think the words were “I can’t even fuckin deal with you right now… Get the fuck outta here… go home.”

Is it bad that I’m still fuckin laughing typing this 7 hours later?

The resolution of the “alleged assault”…

So, I show up this morning. As I walk through the door, I get “Hey, we need to chat with you, come to the meeting room.”

When I get to the meeting room… There’s the boss’s boss (who looks slightly less angry than yesterday), an HR guy and…aw fuck…. someone from legal. This can’t be good.

As I go in, one of the other guys from my shift says “I saw it all, I’ll come in if you need”. Nice to know others have my back as well as you clowns.

Of course, it’s the old “tell us what happened” scenario.

As I’m tellin the story, I start to giggle. The small herd of staff outside the door is growing. The boss and the law guy…not laughing. The HR guy is totally neutral.

Now, I’m laughing again as i get to the part about running around the truck. I tell the whole story, trying not to laugh but mostly failing.

They asked if anyone saw it and I listed a couple names. They asked me to leave the room and send in the “witnesses”.

As I’m hanging around the door, I hear the witnesses howling as they’re telling the story. They laugh, they get scolded, they laugh they get scolded….

The witnesses leave and they ask me to wait outside for a minute so they (boss, hr, legal) discuss. This is taking forever…now I’m worried. No more giggling.

When I go back in, I get the stern “no horseplay, respect your coworkers” standard lecture… I’m starting to think “Sweet… Pauly wins”.

After the big boss finishes his lecture, the hr guy says “now it’s my turn to talk”…aww fuckity fuck fuck fuck… Pauly’s in trouble.

So the HR guy clears his throat and starts in. “So, Paul, You’re claiming that this was all an accident and was directly influenced by you quitting chewing tobacco.” I reply, ‘Yes sir, that is correct”.

He goes “And you claim that the person who got injured got hurt because he offered you chewing tobacco and got angry when you ruined it.” “yes sir, that’s correct” “HR: “You never laid a hand on him?” P: “No sir, I did not.”

Now my favorite part… the part that got me in shit again for laughing like a retarded window licker with a paddle ball and a rolling pin.

The HR guy looks at me and says: “I knew that tobacco could cause cancer, emphysema, heart disease, etcetera… But I had no idea it could cause concussions. Turns out that shit really IS bad for people.”

Well fuck… I have no idea whether to laugh or cry… but now my boss is smiling but containing his laughter and the legal guy is staring at the pen in his hand and biting his lip.

So, today, I had to find someone to cover the shift left empty by Mr. Angry Chewer and I have to apologize to him when he’s back.

I think I’ll give him his $22 back… well worth 22 bucks for that much fuckin entertainment.

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member Phat Pauly