Quit, But Not For Eternity

100 down, an eternity to go. That’s how I started this journey but not, thankfully, how I’m traveling now. Tomorrow is the big day, the day I reach that first coveted floor and enter the hallowed Hall of Fame. At least, that how I envision it in my head. My sites have been set on tomorrow since I found KTC about 30 days into my quit. Up until then I had been pushing on my own, taking some Wellbutrin the local doc gave me and swimming through a fog of despair at the thought that every day moving forward would be like the one before; full of that chest crushing anxiety that made it difficult to breath and which made me a walking time bomb around my Soldiers. Eternity loomed big in front of me and I felt very, very small.

I was probably only a day or so away from caving when I found KTC. I was desperately scrolling through the internet trying to find out when the worst of the symptoms would finally stop. Stumbled into the forum and saw a guy getting roasted by his group because he had caved, and I realized that’s exactly what I needed; accountability. I understand accountability, I’ve been serving in the Army for the past 14 years. Trouble was, no one in my unit had any real reason to hold me accountable. I knew I could walk up to any of the Soldiers who knew I was quit and ask for dip and get one. They didn’t care one way or another. The guys on KTC though, they cared even though they might never see each other in real life. I knew I had to get on board with that if I was going to stay quit.

In the beginning, I kind of blew off the whole one day at a time thing. I was here for accountability and some support but that was it. But as time rolled by that spectre of forever loomed big in front of me again whispering about a possibility, in the distant future of course, when I could maybe allow myself to take just a taste of the “good ol’ dip, for ol’ times sake”. After all, forever is a long time. The thought fascinated me, and I grew disgusted with myself. “Of course, I don’t want another dip” (Now… whispered eternity). “I don’t want to go back to spending my hard-earned money on some crappy tasting and disgusting habit” (Yet…forever teased). Some of the old posts I’d seen when I first came to the site resurfaced in my memory then and it finally clicked. Screw forever. F#@k eternity. I don’t have to quit for them. I only need to quit for today. And then I’ll quit for tomorrow, tomorrow. That mentality quiets those insidious whispers and makes the quit something I can be sure of, something that will last.

At any rate, I’ve rambled on long enough. I have nothing but gratitude for each and every brother and sister on this site. From the first admin to message me, Chris2Alaska, to all of my quit group members who ever reached out, Stricchr, RedZone (my quit day twin!), mjplatt, and Nick T. A very special thank you specifically goes to latenight71 for the awesome care package he sent out here to Afghanistan. It made for some very happy Soldiers. 100 days down, tomorrow to go! Stay quit KTC!

v/r,
SFC Diaz-Rose, Christopher K.

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member SFC_DROSE