Ramblings of a Quitter

Hmmm. June 21st was a pretty jacked up day now, wasn’t it? That day I had had enough of the bullshit. A fortunate thing happened to me a couple of days prior to the 21st. My lovely wife had gotten me a new toothbrush per my request. That thing was a monster, Big ass rubber dongles on each side of the bristles, guess they’re supposed to “massage” your gums. Looked like something they would use to get you to talk in a POW camp, but I looked at it and said wtf and started using it. For the next few days my gums were bleeding every time I brushed my teeth. I went into the mind screwing thoughts, thankfully, that something was horribly wrong with my teeth because the soreness and bleeding gums weren’t getting any better. Worry, anxiety set in. I’m gonna die if I don’t quit this shit, I thought. I’ve stopped many times before. Nicorette, yep, just got hooked on the gum. I‘ve bought and have thrown away many a can, only to start up again. Can I do this? Probably not. Google “quit chewing tobacco for good”. There it was, KTC. I jumped into this site and stayed there all morning on the 21st. They were all stories just like or very similar to mine, with dudes and dudette’s doing it! Quitting the nic. Supporting each other. Some getting pissed off and yelling through the computer. Veterans always there with wisdom. I got more pissed at myself as I read. I was done feeling so defeated because of this shit. Quick thought inserted here on that feeling of defeat. That feeling was affecting my life. The way I interacted with strangers, with friends, with buddies, with my wife, my kids. I felt like a helpless fool.

So, I dumped a full can in the toilet, posted my introduction, and dug in. I spent so much time reading stories on the KTC site, that I was falling behind at work, but I didn’t care. It helped out greatly, along with the many martini’s.. (I’ve begun to slow down with the alcohol), but work still jacked with me. Totally anxiety while out at customer sites was the norm, until, I quit thinking about the anxiety, and the chew. That was a turning point for me. I actually hold longer conversation now, not looking to steal away and pack a fatty in my lip.

Initially, in the fog, I just kept my mind and body busy. Damn that was nuts. I’ve forgotten a lot of it. Must be the Re-wiring of the brain/alcohol. I’d do anything to take the mind off of a chew. I bought some habanero coated almonds. Damn good nuts. Those helped but weren’t enough so I bought some habanero peppers and took a big bite and committed to chewing and swallowing it whenever I started to feel uneasy about my quit. One of the guys told me to” insert ball sack in a drawer and slam it”, if I get too strong of a crave. Think it was Dipbegone. I honestly foggin’ forget. LOL. I’ve chewed the hell out of ginger root, and having that need for oral fixation has not subsided for me, but it’s getting better. I actually like ginger root. My wife loves the quit, and is totally supportive. She’s been through the stoppages, and I felt like a dumbass many times over when she’s seen a can or smelled it on me after I said that “I have quit”. I’ve gotten so much done around the house in the first 100 days, compared to the past I don’t know how many years. I feel like a badass, literally, sometimes. Those little Victories change you. And the sex has increased!!! Chewing tobacco?…..pfft. Keep your poison, ya turd blossoms!

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to these badasses:

PMILS, sooverit, McCoy, kdawg, jay1124, beavernation, dbh68stang, Lacrosseman14, shanebuxton (strong quit brothers and sista for going through the fog with me)

DWeirick for patting me on the poo poo and pointing me down that road of quit, Dipbegone (first set of digits), Candoit (texts me every day with his quit promise- and expects the promise text from me), wastepanel (kept me positive, made sure I was ok during the dangerous days) , Stillamarine, CavMan83 (many words of wisdom), Bert75 (the dude Abides) Captum (my OU brother) , RichardK, Mike1966, ( all badasses quitters from other groups posting their support all of the time). Those are just a few who locked in on my quit, and I knew that they would always be there, already having gone through or were going through what hell I was experiencing. Solid, just Solid to have that support.

I witnessed some caves while going through my own fog, and DAMN, I became so afraid to cave to let those down that I’m making a promise to every day. It’s not an option to cave. What do you say to those that you have been to hell and back with, that you’ve caved? Answer the 3 questions and move on to a new group? Negative, Ghost Rider. That only strengthens my quit. Like many on the site have told me, it DOES get easier, and it has. Cravings still come and go, but with less strength and duration. I’ve learned to accept it and “Ride the wave” until the craving subsides.

One day at a time (ODATT), victory after victory, it has gotten so much better. Looking forward to my KTC 100 day coin, and have my crosshairs set on the 200 day chip which reads, “Caving is not an option…..Do something else”. Okie Doke. ODATT, EDD. Gums are good! Thanks again, KTC!
~ Boomer!

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member Sooner87