Ramblings of an Addict Who Somehow Thinks He’s Special

Today is day 141 for me and I am finally sitting down to write my hof speech. I caught a bit of shit for not writing it sooner but that is ok, I would probably think less of them if they didn’t nudge me. I am one of those people that always dreads writing but one I sit down to do it the fingers start running a marathon. Apologies in advance if I get a bit long-winded, perhaps I won’t.

I haven’t sat down to write this yet because I didn’t feel like I had much to say. Also, I felt like I needed to spew some super inspirational shit that would help someone somewhere with their struggle but you know what…those things are rarely planned. The really really good stuff, the stuff people add to their signatures, the stuff that helps open people’s eyes, it just comes. It evolves from the nature of the conversation and from people wanting to help each other. Maybe a part of what I write here helps someone one day and maybe it doesn’t but I am a part of this whole known as KTC and it definitely helps people everyday. Who knows how long I last on here. I have already made up my mind several times to say screw half the people here, I don’t need their shit in my life, I am moving myself to MIQ on the SSOA and going about the rest of my life. Obviously I am still here as I have been for the past 140+ days. Each time I think I am out something happens or someone says something that makes me stick around a bit longer. I have definitely pulled back from the site and for me I think that was the best thing. Different people can invest themselves to varying degrees in this site and that degree of investment can wax and wane. Fortunately there are enough people here that at any given time there are plenty of people heavily invested in KTC and in the other members.

I come from a fucked up month (shout out to my May 18 Angry Zombies). As with most months we had a lot of people fall off as the month progressed, lots of MIQs and several Caves. We also had a number of people banned for a wide array of reasons. I feel somewhat confident we have set the record for the most brothers/sisters banned in a month. Not exactly a prize you hang on your mantle. My month was filled with quiet folks, loud folks, good wholesome folks, fucking assholes, douchebags, people you could have a beer with, and people you wouldn’t piss that beer on…and most likely so will yours be. We are here to support each other but there is only 1 quit you are in control of and that is your own. A great book to pick up is ‘The Art of Living: The Classical Manual on Virtue, Happiness, and Effectiveness’ -Epictetus as interpreted by Sharon Lebell. Read a passage each day, after you make your promise of course.

I would be remiss if I did not mention a few names here of people who have been a factor in my quit. This is another reason I was putting off writing this is because I feel confident that I am going to forget someone here and that sucks. If you felt like you really were there for me and I do not use your name in the following few sentences know that it is because I suck at stuff from time to time and this is one of those things. Every single person who has text, called, emailed, messaged, mentioned me in comments, thought good thoughts about me, or anything else…it has meant the world. With all of you I have done a thing I was confident I would never be able to do. Here is that list in no particular order. Skolviking, ReWire, UncleRico, LMcB, bgbdbrd, bigbrojack, Srains, Samrs, Leo, JustinJ, Donkey, Broccoli, Theo3wood, Work-tow-in, Athan, BigRick, TPutney, Syndrome…you have each in one way or another touched my life and contributed in giving me this amazing gift of freedom. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Some people on the site have not been to the dentist in years but I always kept going and just let them talk shit to me about my addiction while they cleaned my teeth. Today was my first dip free dentist appointment and the conversation I had with my hygienist is what prompted me to finally write this hof rambling of words. Here is a snippet

Me: I quit dipping
Her: How did you do it
Me: with the help of an online support group
Her: Oh really
Me: Yes, killthecan.org
Her: I will have to tell me husband about it. By the 3rd or 4th day were you mean?
Me: I didn’t get the ‘nic rage’ too bad. Some folks do I guess and others use it as an excuse to be a bigger asshole than normal. Eventually it subsides though
Her: He has tried a few times but by the 3rd or 4th day I am thinking ‘shit I will go get you a can if you will chill’
…few minutes pass and you can tell she is in he head thinking…

Her: How long did it take you?
Me: How long did what take?
Her: You to finish the program and be quit.
Me: I am an addict, I am never finished. Today is the 141st time I have quit and tomorrow will be the 142nd. I have to quit every day
Her: Ohhhh…

If you take anything away from this incoherent jumble of letters let it be this, You can give assistance and you can receive assistance but there is only 1 quit that you can own and that is your own. Oh and 1 other BIG thing! Go meet some fucking quitters IN REAL LIFE! It is the best thing you can do for your quit. They are a weird bunch and come from all walks of life. You might be uncomfortable at first and that is ok. Meeting other quitters will solidify your quit much more than you could ever imagine. If the first quitter you meet kinda sucks then go meet another one, and another…you will meet one that doesn’t eventually.

But whatever you do, if you end up in the middle of Nowhere, MO and a bunch of strangers you met on the internet want to show you a ‘cellar’ in the middle of a concrete pad with a lid and latch on it…

Now for me to do something that goes against every fiber of my being and just post this…no proofreading or corrections. Let it be what it is

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member MilesPerGallon