Starting Again

mule’s context

Our addiction is a life long thing…. we are not and never will be “cured”. The only thing we can learn when a brother caves, is how not to make the same mistake ourselves.

Russjns failed……..learn from him.

To those that have failed and come back…….this attitude, realized debt to his group and the site and his attitude toward starting again is a huge step in the right direction to once again gaining control over his addiction…..

Ball is squarely in your court r…..you know what to do.

russjns wrote

Not sure where to post this, but this is my new group, so here’s my story:

It is with great shame and desperation that I now return to Kill the Can. This was the place that helped me to quit, and stay quit, all the way to my personal HOF, and beyond. Shortly after that, like a dumb shit, I fell off the face of Kill the Can. I can’t remember exactly why, but my best guess is that I felt overly confident in my quit. I stayed quit for quite some time after that, which just adds to my following dumb shittery. Why I stopped posting roll is just a testament to how fragile being quit is. The space between cravings definitely got bigger and bigger, and handling cravings got easier and easier. And I fuckin threw it all away on a moment of one tiny little stupid ass craving. You all probably know the quit craving, where you said to yourself, “I’ll just have one dip, then throw away the can.” And that one dip, turns into another dip that same day, maybe two, with the idea of throwing the can away the next day. Then the next day rolled around, and I found an opportunity to secretly dip, so I took it. And before I know it, I’m pounding dips like a maniac and buying another can…and then another….and then I’m fucking back to my hardcore cravings, going through withdrawls, trying to sneak a dip whenever I can. And all the while, I’m kicking my own ass each and every time.

I went back and read my HOF speech, and I kept thinking, “Who IS that guy?!” The idea of cravings being easy to handle, being fewer and farther between….this all seems so fuckin foreign to me right now. I cannot believe what an absolute fucko!

So what has sparked me to quit “FOR FUCKING GOOD!” this time. One of the most powerful sparks: I had a dip in my mouth, and my 3 year old son asked me what I had in my mouth. I lied and told him it was gum. I FUCKIN LIED TO MY THREE YEAR OLD! I cannot express how horrible that makes a man feel. And I did it on more than one occasion. The final blow was when I could see it in his eyes one time that he didn’t buy my bullshit. And he had a disappointed look in his face. I absolutely cannot continue down this road. It will kill me.

Another reason is that I got an email message from someone who read my HOF speech and identified with it. He asked, “U still quit? I’m sure you are…” When I read that, I felt like such a douche bag. I had something inspirational to offer, and I threw it all away on a lousy dip.

I have completely let my quit group down. I took this site incredibly serious. When I was in here posting, I was firm in my quit, no matter how hard it was, and I was pissed at those that failed. And now I am one of those failures. I have no idea if you guys are still around, but here’s a major pride swallowing apology to:

Agorman, BAT, BridDog, Bmxer, ConcreteWall, CR, FEW, Flows, GratefulDean, Jarsmom, JB, Larogers136, MemphisDave, Nappynabby, Pete, Speedy, Whip, and Wildhog. And, of course, all the heads of Kill The Can. The site rules, it works, and I am crawling back with my tail tucked.

OK, I’m not gonna bash myself anymore. I open myself to take some serious shit from those of you that I’ve let down. And while that is going on, I’m gonna get busy being quit….for good…forever.

Russjns – 1

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member russjns