The A-ha Moment
Day 85
Today is the 6th anniversary of my dads sudden death. He died in a roll over car accident. I thought today would be a difficult day since I always mourned and remembered him with a dip in my mouth.
I expected cravings like no other. My Dad was a ninja smoker and I was a ninja dipper. So I always thought a dip was kind of a tribute. I expected the cravings and was preparing for the worst.
Not So Today, I really had an a ha moment. All the new and old quitters reading this. Quitting may be hard, it may take determination and effort.
Why do I love being quit? The work is rewarding and the burden of my quit is light.
I compared it to all the work, determination and deception I had to put into getting my nicotine fix.
It is 10 times harder to be an out of control addict. It dawned on me. People think it is just too hard and too taxing to be quit so they cave and dip. Today, I recalled how hard and taxing it was to dip….
Remembering all your hiding places for tin, the excuses to leave a party, the need to drive to nowhere and dip. The need to pull over and throw away your bottle of spit before you get home. The worry of getting caught and having to explain. Picking up the wrong soda can and drinking your own spittoon of crap. Staying up late and losing sleep because you can’t sleep until you dip. Opening a can and then forgetting it is opened and packing it to throw it all over the room. Scrambling to clean it up before anyone sees it all over. Worrying that it is not clean enough and you may have some evidence overlooked. Having your wife act strange and wonder if she is on to you dipping. Making sure that I used my secret debit card so that my 8 and 12 dollar purchases at the gas station didn’t raise a red flag when my wife balanced the checking account. When she was paying bills, worrying that I may have used the wrong card for purchases. Always covering my tracks and paranoid that I didn’t do a good enough job. Falling asleep with a dip in my mouth and having a chew stain on my pillow case. Putting it in my car until I could get it washed without anyone noticing. Living on the edge of getting caught in my lies. Willing to do whatever it took to dip and pay the price if I got caught.
Yeah when I think of the life I lived as an out of control addict. Quitting tobacco is a lighter burden and easy in comparison. I love being quit!
God Speed dad but I will no longer remember you for our sneaking out to get a nic fix. I will no longer remember you with a tribute dip. You are more than that to me. I will remember you as my father and as my best friend.
NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan community member 30yraddict
