The Saga Continues – Coach Steve’s Spit Summit Narrative
The continuing saga of Coach Steve and his narrative about the The 7th National Summit on Smokeless and Spit Tobacco Summit in Missoula, MT. KillTheCan.org has sponsored the event and will be sending two representatives to chat up our brand of quit. If you’re so inclined, you can help by donating to the cause to cover expenses and marketing material. Thanks in advance!
If you haven’t checked out Part 1 and Part 2 of Coach Steve’s narrative I’d suggest you give them a read. And now, the saga continues…
(Coach Steve awakens to the sound of a bell ringing outside the Glass House of April 2012. “What the hell is that…?” he mutters as he hops out of bed, throws on some clothes and heads downstairs. As he gets into the front hallway he passes Ranger5 posting roll)
Ranger5: Mornin Coach!
CS: Mornin Ranger….do you know what in the hell is going on with the bell?
Ranger5: I dunno…something about getting some donations maybe?
CS: Ok thanks
(CS heads outside and sees Cbird sitting on the front porch sipping his coffee)
Cbird: Mornin sleepy head!
CS: Dude where’s that bell coming from?
(Cbird points to the street in front of the Glass House where pavetheway and ERDVM are ringing bells next to a red coffee can)
CS: What are they doing?
Cbird: What do you think they’re doing?
CS: I dunno….that’s why I asked
Cbird: Well KTC wants to send 2 representatives to the 2013 National Spit Summit in Montana, right?
CS: Yeah……
Cbird: And it’s not free, right?
CS: Yeah……
Cbird: Do I really need to explain this to you? Aren’t you the one writing this story?
CS: Writer’s block I guess…..
Cbird: Well unblock your head and get to work!
ERDVM: {from the street} That’s what your mom said last night!
Cbird: Dammit Coach….do you see what you’ve started?
(Just then, the crew sees Euty riding his Hoverround up the sidewalk towards the quitters….)
Euty: {shaking his fist} Hehhhh! What’s that infernal racket?!
PTW: Sorry Euty….it’s just a bell
Euty: Dang whippersnappers! It’s not enough that I have to listen to your potty mouths all day…now you’re ringing bells!
(Just then, Keddy and Kdip roll up in a MOD Squad Crown Vic)
Euty: Good, it’s the MOD squatters! {pointing at everyone else} Put these quitters on review!
Keddy: {stepping out of the car} Actually we’re the MOD squad…Euty what are you talking about?
Euty: I’m sick and tired of this place being overrun by hooligans!
Kdip: Ok, ok…what seems to be the problem?
Euty: All of this potty mouthery! You know….quit like fffffff, like ffffff…oh like fudge, you know what I mean!
Keddy: But Euty, some people prefer a little attitude to their quit…I think QLF is just as expression of that mindset
Euty: Damn kids these days….what ever happened to quit like friends?
ERDVM: {chuckling} Quit like friends?
Euty: That’s right Dr……what do they call you ….Badge?
ERDVM: It’s Vadge actually
Euty: Of course it is…..don’t you people know how to speak like adults?
(Just then, jpine drives up on his golf cart)
jpine: What are you assholes doing?
Euty: Cover your ears!
ERDVM: Morning jpine!
jpine: Are you the leader of this group?
PTW: FU jpine!
jpine: {looking at PTW} Oh so you’re the leader of this group, huh? You speak for everyone?
CS: Really jpine? Didn’t we do this like a year ago?
Keddy: Ok everybody needs to calm down
jpine: What are you 2 MOD turds doing here anyways?
Kdip: Well we came to see Coach Steve…
jpine: For what?
Keddy: We’re two of the finalists to attend the Spit Summit
Jpine: What’s the shit summit?
Kdip: Spit summit…it’s a forum for professionals in the smokeless tobacco field to come together and learn of best practices, and share success stories
Keddy: They also learn about prevention and cessation approaches that work and become aware of the latest in field research
Jpine: So tell me….do any of these people actually know anything about quitting?
Keddy: According to Chewie, he and klark were the only quitters there last year
(Just then, Kubiak drives up in a convertible Chrysler Sebring…cdmavs and ericfrompitt are also in the car. The license plate says “BICURIS”)
Kubiak: What are you tools doing over here?
CS: Talking about the National Spit Summit
Kubiak: What in the hell is a Spit Summit?
Ericfrompitt: Wait….I’ve heard of this before…aren’t we trying to send representatives or something?
Keddy: That’s correct
PTW: I’ve got a great idea….we should send jpine and Euty!
Jpine: Great idea buttface
ERDVM: Hahaha! What do you think of that Euty…..Euty?
(Euty has fallen asleep on his hoverround)
Kdip: {shaking Euty} Euty…wake up….we’re sending you to the Spit Summit with jpine
Euty: {startled} Boobies!
Cdmavs: Did he just say boobies?
Kubiak: I believe he did….I hope they’re nice boobies
Keddy: Ok….let’s move along…nothing to see here
(Just then, Mthomas rides up on his Segway)
Mthomas: Saw there was a commotion over here….thought I’d offer my 2 cents. So what are we talking about?
Cbird: Tattoos
Mthomas: Oh goody….{unzipping his fly} I’ve got one to show everybody…
Kdip: {holding up his hands} Whoa, whoa, whoa….let’s not get too carried away
Mthomas: {zipping up his fly} Oh…hehe….I understand. Maybe it’s best to just describe it….it says “QLF’h”
Jpine: Is that in 2 pt font?
Mthomas: Very funny jpine! So I was taking a leak next to Gmann the other day…..he snuck a peak and asked me what it stood for? I told him it says “Quit Like Fuck Every Damn Day You Bad Ass Son of a Bitch!”
PTW: QLFEDDYBASOB
ERDVM: Nice……
(Just then, KKLJINC walks up and throws a $100 bill in the red coffee can)
KKLJINC: Love the Quit Like Fuck statement!
CS: Thanks bro!
Cbird: So how much more do we need?
Keddy: Hold on I’ll call Chewie…..{dialing on his phone}….Hey Chewie, it’s Keddy. Oh not bad….just hangin with Coach Steve and the gang in the 2012 Quit Groups. So we all wanted to know where you’re at on the fundraising for the Spit Summit…..uh huh, uh huh, yeah…I sure will, thanks!
Cbird: Well…..
Keddy: It looks like we’re at $4,296 as of yesterday
ERDVM: And we need what?
Keddy: $5,000
PTW: So we’re almost there?
Kdip: Yup almost…..man I get that tingling sensation in my loins whenever I think about going out to Montana!
CS: Did you just say loins?
Kdip: Yeah….tingly loins, what?
CS: Um….nothing. Don’t you have to win a talent show competition first?
Kdip: Don’t worry about that CS…..
Keddy: Whatever kdip…..you’re no match for my talent!
CS: Which is what exactly?
Keddy: I’m going to sing “I Believe I Can Fly” by R. Kelly….in Ancient Greek!
CS: {sarcastically} Yeah…..sounds like a winner
(Just then, Wastepanel and Gmann drive up in the pink Volkswagon Beetle)
Mthomas: Gmann! Wanna see my tattoo again?
Jpine: I don’t think he brought his reading glasses
ERDVM: {chortle} Ooops….oh well, I guess that’s my one laugh at a jpine joke this floor…..don’t have another one till the 6th floor
Wastepanel: What seems to be the boggle here?
Euty: Finally someone who can drive these ruffians out of this neighborhood!
Wastepanel: Um….Euty, we’re not in your neighborhood
Euty: Nonsense! The December 2006 St. Nic-O-Frees house of brick is right over……
Wastepanel: Over where Euty?
(Euty points towards the February 2012 Underground House where Bruce is watering the plants in Crocs and a purple tank top)
Bruce: {waiving} Hey quitters!
Mookieblaylock: Bump
Bruce: Bump for what?
Mookieblaylock: I…um…..never mind
Gmann: FUCS
CS: For what?
Gmann: This is my first line in the Spit Summit Narratives….what a shame
CS: I’m sorry Gmann…would you like a tampon to dry your tears?
Gmann: FUCS
(Just then, 2mch2lv4 and Lionheartedgirl ride up on pink ATVs)
2mch: So LHG….tell me why do the boys get to have all the fun?
LHG: I guess no one pays attention to girls unless you’re posting suggestive pics and talking about threesomes?
2mch: Amen sister!
LHG: {high fiving 2mch} Girl power!
Gmann: {going for a high five Yeah! Girl power….um…wait, what?
CS: Nice one Gmann
Wastepanel: So Coach….are you still looking for the 5 finalists?
CS: Found all of ‘em except for one
Wastepanel: Well look no further
CS: Wait….you’re the 5th finalist?
Wastepanel: Did the sun melt Icarus’s wings?
CS: I guess so…..does this mean I’m finished with the Spit Summit narratives?
Gmann: Not so fast CS…..we still have a talent show to determine the winner
CS: Ah yes….how could I forget about the talent show, so remind me when that is supposed to happen?
Wastepanel: Early next week at the KTC Quitatorium
CS: I’ll be there!
(The quitters disperse as ERDVM and PTW continue to ring their bells next to the red coffee can)
A sincere thank you to all of those that have already donated to the cause. Follow the comments on this thread to see our progress. We’re very much looking forward to attending and representing real QUITTERS!
To be continued……
