Time To Take a Stand 2 – HOF Speech

I will take the time to make a better go at this speech at some point. I still can’t believe that it was 100 days ago that I promised my little girl that I wouldn’t chew tobacco any more. I say that because it seems like much longer. It’s no longer on her mind, and she rarely asks about it. Not me.

I wish that I could say that I don’t think about it anymore. I wish I could say that with all of the flux happening in my life right now, I hadn’t thought about picking up a can and dipping my brains out. But I suppose that is part of the addiction. The scar tissue, if you will, the synapses and neural connections that the nicotine forms in your mind keep firing whenever a situation arises whereby in the past, the drug hit your bloodstream. I want that to go away. I know that it’s only been 100 days and in the broad scope and timeline of my life, especially compared to the time that I was addicted to nicotine, 100 days is a blink, a blurb. I’m still hopeful that in the months and years to come, the thoughts of dipping, the memories of dipping will lose some of their detail and resonance, and I’ll be able to look with disinterest and a shrug at those shadow memories that are faded and fuzzy around the edges.

This is not the speech I had in mind at day 50, or at day 80 even. I thought I’d be happier and feel like part of the community here. Circumstance sometimes intervenes. My life situation is rough right now. I have not engaged with the quit group on a level that I see from other members. That’s primarily due to lack of time (I’m feeling pressed right now, even sitting at my kitchen table – too much work to do).

So, I’ll restructure this speech at some point when I’m feeling a bigger sense of accomplishment. Right now, I’m just pissed that at a significant milestone, I still have a microscopic part of me that is looking at tobacco as a relief or reward. I know that these are just thoughts and thoughts are only harmful if you act upon them. I will not act upon these thoughts in a negative way. I have committed to keeping quit and I will do so. 100 days of confident action has taken enough root to breed the feelings of confidence that go with that action.

Thank you to DW3, Cornholio, Tex, Pberg, AgLawyer, and anyone else that I’m missing that reached out to me and offered words of advice. Thanks to February.

-TMR

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member themightyrenegade