Welcome To My Spy Movie

I feel like I have a tail. Maybe it’s because I live in New York City and I’m always walking crowded streets, maybe it’s because I watch too many spy movies, maybe it’s because I stopped maturing when I was 12 years old. Regardless, the nic bitch feels like a tail in my own private spy movie. I don’t want to tip her off because I don’t want her to know she’s been “made”, but I know she’s there. She’s always following me, waiting for a moment of weakness.

Does she care that I hit the HOF? She doesn’t seem to. She seems to be remarkably patient. She waits and watches as I grow stronger, as her opportunities grow fewer and farther between. She doesn’t mind. She knows she only needs one moment of weakness. Just one and she’s back in control. She likes to be in control, so she waits and she watches. I can’t see her, but I can feel her. She feels so close, like she’s breathing down the back of my neck. But every time I spin around, she vanishes. And I stand there like an idiot with sweat dripping down my forehead, knowing she’s watching me from behind some pair of dark sunglasses. I’m fairly confident I’ll never find her…there’s way too many bitches in New York City. It’s the perfect hiding place…

She has every right to be confident. I’ve been addicted to her since I was 12 years old. And, as many of you know, this is the third time I’ve quit for more than 100 days. The first was at that other site that we don’t talk about too much around here. When I came to KTC, I loved the vulgarity of the whole experience, but I also loved that I didn’t have to go back to the same support group and admit I caved. I joined up with the July 2010 group and dove head first into my quit. I felt so confident, I got cocky. I stopped posting roll after 48 days…decided I didn’t need the support any more. I didn’t realize I had a tail back then. She bided her time, but eventually she got her moment of weakness and I was back in her grasp.

I tried to shake her on my own for a while, but she was way stronger than me. I mean way, way stronger than me. I was an idiot to think I was a match for her alone. Eventually, I nutted up and did the one thing I was most afraid of…I admitted to everyone that I’d failed…I mean everyone. It was difficult to do, but it was my only hope. Once I realized I wasn’t strong enough on my own, I had to seek help from anyone and everyone. Even if some weren’t willing to help me again…even if some considered me a lost cause…if I could just get help from someone, maybe I’d be able to get the nic bitch off my back. So I did what I had to do. I remember how slowly I typed those words into my computer and how long it took me to hit submit…

Kneedragger – Day 1

God, just typing it here makes me remember the experience. The shit storm was blinding. And I only say that because anyone reading this should know that coming back here with your tail between your legs is a shitty, shitty experience that should be avoided at all cost. Don’t make the same mistake I did, protect your quit, for fuck sake.

But also, know this. Nobody turned me away. Un-fuckin-believable, right? Literally, nobody turned me away. A lot of people said some stuff that was difficult for me to hear, but it challenged me to figure out how I was going to approach this quit differently. And it was just what I needed. So I’ll say it again – don’t put yourself in a position where you’ll have to post another day 1 – but if you’re already in that position, get your ass back in here, because you will find what you need to stay clean. It won’t be pleasant, but you will find it.

So how am I doing things different? Now, when I walk the streets of Manhattan, I don’t go alone. That’s the most important thing…I’m never fucking alone. Because while the nic bitch watches me from behind her dark sunglasses, I have a whole community of badass quitters watching her and making sure she doesn’t get too close. Strength in numbers, my friends. These guys watch my back because I keep my word to them every single day, and they know I’m watching their back as they fight their own daily battles.

But that’s not all that’s different… I’ve changed my relationships with almost everyone who’s close to me. It’s a bit difficult to explain, but the best I can describe it is that I “let them in”. I removed my protective façade and let them see my weaknesses. I asked them for help…I let them know that I needed them…I told them everything. It was like dropping an enormous weight that I hadn’t even realized I’d been carrying. This was something I didn’t do in prior quits, and with the help of both the KTC veterans and a very well paid therapist, I came to realize that I never let these people in before because I was planning to cave. If the people close to me knew too much about what was going on, then they would make it harder for me to let the nic bitch back in when I decided I wanted my crutch back for a little while. It took some time, and a lot of sage advice to come to this realization, but the real truth is that caving after a long quit takes a bit of planning…and my caves were much more deliberate than I was initially willing to admit.

But now my support system is strong, and I’m constantly looking for ways to make it stronger. I’ll never lose my tail, so the more people watching my back the better. I met a KTC veteran for a drink once, and he told me he had one of his strongest craves at 103 days. But he was so committed to his quit that his support system was strong. He dropped what he was doing, logged into KTC and got the help he needed to stay quit another day. He’s still committed to the KTC community and he recently passed the 9th floor. In a recent note to me he reminded me that one day at a time is the way we quit. I’m following his lead this time around, and it strengthens my quit to know the he and others like him are with me every day on the streets of New York.

So, thanks to veterans TCOPE, NOLAQ, Greg, Teamgreen, Volp and Sensei. Your words of wisdom are my religion. Thanks to the guys from July 2010 who got my ass back on track. Bamadan, DJS and Instigator, you guys really helped me get my head on straight. This quit would be nowhere without you. And thanks to the badass Legends from June 2011 who took me in and gave me a new home. My sincerest thanks to all of you. You guys save my life every day.

-KD

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member kneedragger