Well @#$& – Ramblings of a Quitter

This will most likely be a rambling mess because I am on steroids for poison ivy and can’t sleep. I see it as a sign. 140+ days ago a visit to the doctor for a steroid shot started this crazy train for me.

My name is

Joel Flory
Born in Newton Kansas
I am a nicotine addict.
I started this journey 3/5/2019 by the time I finish this I will be 120 days quit. Thank you to KTC and my quit family in June. Also to my family for all of their support.

Back to steroid shots in the ass. I went to see my favorite doctor at the walk in clinic in Hutchinson. She is always great for throwing shit my way when I make stubborn MAN decisions about my help. After my shot she saw me reach for my can, like I’d done many times before and she called me on it. Told me about her hubby and how he had found the site and quit. Wrote it on the back of her card and I stuck it in my wallet and left. I of course continued to chew. At least two cans a day. I was born into a construction/farming/ outdoor family. We all chewed. All my friends growing up chewed. I thought it was normal and cool. I was never the redneck with the spit cup though. I unfortunately had the bad habit of gutting that poison from the start, I have a bleeding ulcer to thank for some of that. I chewed everyday all day. 5:00a.m. first thing I did was brush my teeth so I could throw a dip in, HOW FUCKING STUPID IS THAT? ” I needed clean teeth to poison myself” fucking idiot. Chew stayed in all day sometimes even through lunch. I would just add as I slowly ate it. I’d come home cook, eat dinner, and then back to chew all the way until I got out of the shower and brushed my teeth again. I did that almost daily since I was thirteen. Yes even in school. Like I said I gutted every bit of that poison so many people never new I had it in.

I grew up, thankfully. A friend set me up on a blind date and I met my wife. She made her feelings Known that night about chew but never road my ass. Fast forward two years and we found out she was pregnant. I decided to be badass husband and quit all my bad habits in support of her. Didn’t chew or drink for almost 9 months. Last month was stressful, HOW ORIGINAL RIGHT. So I caved. One can one dip a day…….. Ya that didn’t even last the first two days. I was back on the band wagon and never looked back. Fast forward to child number 2. Same thing I can do it…. NEGATRON GHOST RIDER. there’s a picture of me holding my newborn with a dip that’s almost as big as her.

Girls are now 6 and 3.

I have been on heart meds since I was 16
I’ve had a mild heart attack
I have the ulcer

I say and list this to prove my own stupidity.

My favorite line to say to anyone about me chewing……. Wait for it it’s genius………

“I’m only hurting myself.. smokers hurt everyone around them”….. Boom mic drop. There’s no come back for that level of genius.

My family and now my adult friends.” YOU HAVE KIDS”….. “YOU DEAD IS A PROBLEM”…..

A very long insomnia fueled knight found me reading through KTC. Agreeing with so many posts. Freaking out about the side affects. Wondering if I could… I finally fell asleep. Woke up on 3/5/2019 and automatically went upstairs to brush my teeth. I DID NOT DIP.  Made my coffee still didn’t.. helped get my wife and youngest out the door still no dip. Took my oldest to school and nothing. For those who are part of GroupMe you might remember what happened next. I drove out to my mom’s farm where we have a shooting range set up. Lined up my chew. Loaded a very nice 1911 dessert eagle 45 and shot the ever living shit out of those cans.

I have posted roll every day since.

I don’t want to be an addict but I am. I will fight this fight every day and I WILL WIN. Thanks to my quit brothers. Thanks to my family and friends. Thanks to the Lord above for blessing me with two beautiful girls. I will not live forever but I will no longer shorten my life with anyone of them for tobacco.

The following is some words from someone far more intelligent than me. Please read as I felt it helpful and moving.

Good night all

JOEL FLORY

The Serenity Prayer for Nicotine Users
“God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

* Selected from text written by Reinhold Niebuhr – 1926

God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change…

As nicotine users, we cannot change our craving for nicotine, but even if we can’t change the craving for nicotine, we can accept it. The truth is that until we can accept our craving for nicotine, we will not stop the repetitive behavior. Using some form of a nicotine delivery system is what we will do if we decide we cannot accept the craving.

It’s that simple. If, for example, you are a cigarette smoker and you will not accept the craving, then you will surely light a cigarette. Or maybe you will have “one puff” or “one pinch” if you chew to get you through, but even one puff or one pinch is not accepting the things that you cannot change.

Accepting the craving does not mean we want the craving or like it. Accepting it means, first, recognizing the craving for what it is: a strong desire, physical and psychological, not a real need, for nicotine. That’s all. We do not fight the craving; rather we look at it, letting it be, not getting panic stricken or feeling sorry for ourselves, but saying, “Yes, I really am craving nicotine right now.”

We do not practice self-deception and try to trick ourselves into thinking we don’t want nicotine. This is an honest program. Nor do we try to hate the “habit” (or ourselves) so much that we quit. While we are actively using we cannot make our bodies stop craving nicotine, but we can live with a craving until it passes, and so we pray for…

Courage to change the things I can…

The thing that we can change is our unwillingness to live, even for a short time, with the craving for nicotine. We can, with God’s help and the support of the group, change our old way of dealing with craving, and deal with it in a new way: We become willing to live with the craving; we no longer use nicotine to get rid of the pain of craving. If we light a cigarette to relieve the craving, this shows we have not accepted what we cannot change and have not acted with the courage to change the things we can.

Of course, living with the craving is hard, sometimes very hard, but you are not alone. With the help of a Higher Power you can do it. That is what the Serenity Prayer is all about.So we ask God to help us accept the craving, and then we ask God to give us the courage not to take care of this craving – as we have always done – by using nicotine once more. Thus, we need the serenity to accept the craving, and the courage to just let it pass…

And wisdom to know the difference.

The wisdom we ask for here is to become aware of the difference between our old way of handling the discomfort of craving in the past (for example, by compulsively lighting up) and the new way of dealing with cravings: accepting the craving until it passes, uncomfortable though we may be for a few moments, understanding that a craving will pass whether we use nicotine or not.

The strength and courage to live as former nicotine users with this initial discomfort does come if we ask for it, even though it may take time. What we receive is not raw will power, but a Power that comes from our Higher Power, from the group, and from our innermost self. The power we actually want is love! It is only with this kind of power that we can become ex-nicotine users and receive a new life free from nicotine addiction.

The reason we did not become ex-nicotine users years ago is that we chose not to live with the craving. Every time we craved, we gave in and used nicotine. We kept hoping that in some magic way a day would arrive when the craving would disappear or we would find an absolutely painless way to stop being addicted. That day never came. Each of us kept repeating our favorite rationalizations or excuses for using tobacco, our own justifications for not living with the craving. And we kept craving and using, craving and using, year after year.

But now we can change all that. The moment we can accept what is -“I want nicotine” – and face it with the courage God gives us, we can say, “I choose not to handle this craving by using nicotine,” then we become ex-nicotine users!

If you continue to use nicotine even though you say this prayer, then say it again, and again, and keep saying it while you reflect what it means to you, a nicotine addict. Eventually it will work. It will not work if you are not sincere, but if all you can do at first is to say the prayer without believing it, then at least do that! Some time may be needed for you to receive the power to live with the discomfort that comes from craving, but eventually it will come. In time, the craving will diminish greatly, and someday, we trust, it will disappear altogether. However, if you have a slip, and for example, you are a smoker and light one up, accept yourself reverently and say the prayer again the next time!

Remember, it is not really the stress, frustration or even the craving that causes us to keep using nicotine again, but rather our lack of serenity and courage to deal with the craving. Help comes from your Higher Power, from the group, and from your own healthy inner self! May God be with you now!

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member Joel Flory