Who’s The Wild Man Now?

Quitting tobacco was more of a day dream or fantasy that would run across my mind for the past two years. However, it was not a realistic goal to me. I did not think I could live an enjoyable life without nicotine running through my veins. I was certain that I could not function without my fix and in my mind it was impossible to quit. I stopped buying tobacco in bulk, because each can was going to be my last. Every Sunday night I went to bed telling myself that tomorrow would be my first day quit. Every Monday I would pathetically crawl back to can, usually not even making it through my commute to work; or on a real strong day, maybe I would make it too lunch. I was in the fight of my life with my nicotine addiction, and I felt like a huge underdog.

The nic bitch had me convinced I needed her. About 3 years ago I ran into an old college buddy. We lived on the same floor freshman year and we bummed pinches of each other all the time. We start talking and he informs me that he quit chewing. My first thoughts were not, “I need to do that” or “I wonder how he quit”. My first thought was, “Wow, he is lucky he was able to quit. He must not have been as addicted as me”. I could not wrap my brain around the fact that I could quit as well. I was brainwashed.

On July 25th 2011, it was no different than any other Monday. I went to bed the night before telling myself I would quit. Woke up, told myself I would quit, brushed my teeth and saw my old friend and convinced myself to have one last dip. I did not enjoy it all, and threw it out about 5 minutes later. Next, I did one of the most pathetic things I had ever done in my life. The nicotine addict I was told myself, “If that really is going to be your last chew, you have to leave it in for longer than five minutes”. And even though I felt like shit chewing just minutes ago, I through in another pinch.

I stood there and looked at myself in the mirror. I was depressed just looking at how weak I was. I thought “What the fuck are you doing. You are not enjoying this and your gums and throat are always aching. Stop being a pussy and just quit this.” I then threw out my dip, a second time that morning, and left for work. However I did do something that I have never done before; I left my can at home.

Driving to work, I had one goal. Do not stop at the gas station and buy a can. “Just don’t do it”, I kept repeating to myself. While approaching my regular gas station/ drug dealer, I was able to keep meet my goal and drive by. I felt relieved and proud pulling into the office, avoiding my normal routine. The remainder of the day was filled with many small goals. Get past lunch. Get to 3:00 get to 4:00 get to 4:30, etc, etc. I returned home after making it throughout the day tobacco free. Without hesitating, I grabbed my can and dumped it in the toilet. That was one of the most liberating feelings I have experienced. It was the first time in 11 years that I felt in control with the nic bitch.

I struggled on my own for the first three and a half days. At the point when the cravings became unbearable, I searched the interweb for help and I came across KTC. Within the first hour I received PM’s and messages on my intro thread, giving me the support that I needed. And within the first 24 hours I received a pm from a complete stranger named per034. I had never talked to this guy in my life but he not only offered me his cell phone number, but also his work number, in case I needed support. It was at that moment I knew I had found the right place, and knew that I would never have an excuse to chew again.
There are way too many people to thank, and no way I could thank everyone. But I would like to mention a few people that really helped me out the first 100 days.

Chewie – Thank you for taking the time to meet with me. It was great meeting a fellow quitter and making this quit more personable. I look forward to meeting more quitters in the future. I think of the famous line from Ocean’s 13, “You shook Sinatra’s hand, you should have known better”. Well I can never cave now because “I shook Chewie’s hand, I know better”.

SamCat! – Thank you for all the time you spent with our group the first 30-40 days. You really helped our group form the first couple months.

Steevo & Just Me and My Can – Not only did we share the same quit day, but you guys were the first to exchange numbers with me. You both had helped me through a couple tough periods, and I know I can count on you in the future. Thank you for your support.

To all the November 2011 Stuffers, it has been an honor posting with you guys the first 100 days. I thank all of you for keeping me accountable. I have developed friendships with a few of you guys through chat and texting. I hope to get to know more of the Stuffers as we fall below the line and continue on with our quit.

In conclusion, the number one thing learned in my first 100 days is that I can never forget that I am a nicotine addict. Posting roll daily will remind me of that addiction. Some days I do not want to post roll, or remind myself of chewing. But that is a minor price to pay to advise myself that I can never have “just one”. I have seen too many guys get too comfortable with their quit and think they don’t need to post roll call every day. Most days they are probably right; they do not post roll call and go through the entire day without thinking about nicotine. But if you do that too many days in a row, you might forget how addicted you are to nicotine. And then someone offers you a dip and you think “Quitting wasn’t too hard, I can have just one”. Two years later you are back here with your tails between your legs.

I have been on this site for 126 days. I have seen at least 10-15 guys come back to this site after being quit for 100+ days. When asked why they caved, every single one of them said almost the same thing. “I thought I had my quit under control. I did not think I needed to post roll every day. I then thought I could have just one. Before long I was straight back into a can a day addiction”

I plan on learning from their mistakes. I will continue to post roll call daily with my November Stuffer brothers. Reading the advice of veterans can still teach me a thing or two and reading the struggles of the newbie’s reminds me of where I never want to be again. To paraphrase a quote from Jmiah’s hall of fame speech; “On July 25th, 2011, I quit tobacco and it was the greatest decision of my life. It will continue to be my greatest decision until tomorrow morning, when I wake up and decide to quit again.”

Thanks you KTC.

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member Steve1357