Zoinks!!! The Summit Is Upon Us Next Week!

The continuing saga of Coach Steve and his narrative about the The 7th National Summit on Smokeless and Spit Tobacco Summit in Missoula, MT. which is NEXT WEEK!!!  KillTheCan.org is thrilled to be a sponsor of the event and will be sending two representatives to talk about our brand of quit.  If you’re so inclined, you can help by donating to the cause to cover expenses and marketing material.  Thanks in advance!

If you haven’t checked out Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 of Coach Steve’s narrative I’d suggest you give them a read.  And now, the saga continues…

(Coach Steve is standing off stage at the KTC Quitatorium watching the rehearsal for the 2013 National Spit Summit talent show. J2B and Razd are rehearsing their dance routine, J2B is wearing a white sweater with jeans and an orange ascot, and Razd is wearing a purple outfit)

Luby: Groovy! J2B and Razd! And now for the next talent here’s Wastepanel and kdip with their McQuitty Twist!

(Wastepanel and kdip start their rehearsal. Wastepanel is wearing a green shirt and brown pants, and kdip is wearing a dog suit. Coach Steve is standing off stage with Euty, KTC’s Anti-Potty Mouth representative and Keddy, who is wearing glasses, an orange turtleneck and red shorts with knee high orange socks)

Euty: Well….it is inappropriate and highly distasteful, but they just might win the talent contest!

Keddy: Except for one thing Euty

Euty: What’s that Freddy?

Keddy: It’s Keddy

Euty: That’s nice Eddy

(Just then, the lights go out in the studio and its pitch black)
Keddy: Hey! What was that?

Wastey: Kdippy, where are you?

Kdip: Right here Wastey!

(A large illuminated figure appears and is hovering over Wastey and Kdip…the lights go out again and when they come back on Luby, Euty and the figure have vanished!)

Keddy: I know ole Peepers is famous for his publicity stunts, but this tops everything!

J2B: Sure….but what was that big shapeless thing with the head of a teddy bear?

Razd: I don’t know, but it was awful!

(Then the group hears a muffled voice calling, “Help, in here, help!”)

J2B: {pointing to the TV station manager’s office} It’s coming from that way, c’mon!

Wastey: Hey, wait for us!

(The gang gets to the manager’s office and sees papers strewn everywhere. Luby is tied to a chair in the corner)

J2B: Whoa….what a mess!

Keddy: C’mon Peepers…the publicity stunt is over!

Luby: {rubbing his head, dazed} But it wasn’t a publicity stunt…..

Wastey: Like, what is the boggle here?

Luby: The lights went out and all I can remember is the Bear Pinching Phantom

Keddy: The Bear Pinching Phantom?

Luby: Yes…the Quitatorium has been receiving threatening notes signed “The Bear Pinching Phantom.” You see, several years ago the Quitatorium hosted a show featuring a home brewer and bear pincher named Dennis, and then cancelled him

Keddy: I remember…

Luby: Yes…and this guy swore revenge on KTC…

Razd: Like what?

Luby: He promised to bring to life one of his home brew wax creations from his Home Brew Wax Museum

Wastey: Like…{gulp}…like that big home brew wax creep?

Luby: Yes….the Bear Pinching Phantom…to bring down the entire site!

Keddy: Well you’re ok, right?

J2B: Yeah….but what happened to Euty?

Razd: Oh no!

J2B: {pointing to the corner} The safe was robbed and whoever did it got away with all of the donations for the 2013 National Spit Summit! Euty could have been taken as a hostage!

Keddy: Except for one thing…how could that 9 foot home brew wax guy just vanish….and with a hostage?

Razd: Unless the curse of the Bear Pinching Phantom is true…

Kdip: Zoinks!

J2B: Look….{J2B points to wax footprints leading to window where they mysteriously disappear}

Keddy: Well that’s a good trick, the tracks stop at the window and we’re ten stories up

J2B: Maybe we should call the MOD Squad?

Keddy: {furrowing his brow} But we are the MOD Squad

J2B: Oh yeah….

Luby: {holding up his hand} No…KTC is already accepting donations to send 2 representatives to the Spit Summit and this kind of publicity could ruin the talent show

Keddy: It looks like we have another boggle on our hands…

Wastey: Yeah like judging from the size of those foot prints it’s a really big boggle!

J2B: Ok here’s my plan…Razd and I will go check out the Home Brew Wax Museum. Keddy, you take Wastey and Kdip and go question Dennis, Luby gave me his address

Wastey: Like how about some other time?

Keddy: Like how about when?

Wastey: How bout like when I hit 2000 days?

(Wastey and Kdip try to run away but Keddy grabs them by the waistband and pulls them back)

Keddy: How bout this….? One day at a time!

Wastey: Zoinks! I don’t like this boggle Dippy….

Kdip: Me neither Wastey

(J2B and Razd climb into the MOD Machine van and Wastey pops out of the back riding a blue Vespa with Kdip and Keddy hanging on the back. The scene flashes forward to the front porch of Dennis’s house with Keddy knocking on the door)

Wastey: {after a few knocks} Welp…looks like he’s not here, time to go

(Wastey starts walking off the porch and jumps into Kdip’s arms when he hears an owl hoot in a nearby tree)

Keddy: Silly Wastey….it’s just an owl!

Owl: Who?

Keddy: I said it’s just an owl

Owl: Who?

Keddy: Seriously?

(Just then the door swings ajar and the gang sees Dennis extend a creepy hand into the doorway. He is wearing an old fashioned double breasted red overcoat with a large collar, and red slacks)

Dennis: {gesturing} Oh do come in… I’ve been expecting you

(The quitters follow Dennis into his living room which is decorated with old KTC items with red X’s drawn all over everything, above the mantel sits a picture of Coach Steve with red horns…the phrase, “Pinch the Bear” is written all over the walls in red paint)

Keddy: What a nice place you have here Mr. Dennis…

Wastey: Yeah like nice and scary…

Kdip: Yeah…{gulp}…scary

Keddy: {to Dennis} So we came here to talk about…

Dennis: {interrupting}…about what happened at the Quitatorium today?

Keddy: How’d you know?

Dennis: {rubbing his hands over a fresh batch of home brew} Oh I have my ways. {picking up a small model of the phantom} So you saw the Bear Pinching Phantom, eh?

Keddy: Yes…and we think he took our friend Euty

Dennis: {menacing laugh} Hahahaha! So my home brew magic is working…to exact the revenge I promised!

Keddy: {surprised look} Oh no! We need to get to the Home Brew Wax museum quick to warn the others!

(Keddy, Wastey and Kdip skedaddle out of Dennis’s home)

Dennis: So…they did didn’t believe in the foolish old home brewer’s magic ehhhh Bear Pinching Phantom? Hahahahahahaha!

(The scene fades out and flashes to the Home Brew Museum where the MOD Machine van is just pulling up to the front entrance)

J2B: {standing at the front door of the museum} Hey…someone forgot to lock the door

(J2B and Razd enter the Home Brew Wax Museum…as they walk into the main part of the museum the Bear Pinching Phantom sneaks in behind them and latches the door shut)

J2B: {turning his head} What was that sound?

Razd: {running into a cauldron of home brew} Yow!!

(The cauldron of home brew tips over, crashing on the floor…just then the Bear Pinching Phantom appears)

J2B: That’s for real!

Razd: You know it!

(The Bear Pinching Phantom utters a ghastly moan as he is chasing J2B and Razd around the museum)

{meanwhile outside of the museum…}

Keddy: {trying to open the door} I don’t get it…the door is locked

Wastey: Yeah…and the MOD Machine is here. Quite the boggle…maybe we should leave

Keddy: Nooo……our friends need us. We’ll have to boost Kdip through an unlocked window

Kdip: {shaking his head} Un uh

Keddy: Not even for a beer….?

Wastey and Kdip: {mezmorized by the beer } Oh boy! Let’s find a window Dippy

Kdip: {chugging the beer} K Dippy Dooooooo!

(Wastey and Kdip pull Keddy in through the window and begin to look around. The Home Brew Museum is filled with all sorts of creepy home brewing contraptions and wax figures)

Keddy: Where are we?

Wastey: I’ll turn on the lights {flipping light switch}

(Wastey and Kdip are startled by a home brew wax figure)

Keddy: Don’t worry guys…its just a home brew wax monster display

(Just then, a ghost hand appears through a curtain and taps Keddy on the shoulder….menacing laughter ensues)

Keddy: Oh nooooo!

Wastey: Like that’s just part of the display Keddy…

Keddy: Maybe…but that’s not

(Keddy, Wastey and Kdip skedaddle as the Bear Pinching Phantom peeks out from behind the curtain and chases them all around for a bit. They run into J2B and Razd right as they are walking out from behind an enormous vase)

J2B: {lying on the floor}We’re glad to run into you Keddy!

Keddy: Where are Wastey and Kdip?

(The gang hears groaning coming from an Egyptian mummy’s coffin…the lid creaks as it begins to swing open)

Keddy: Look….it’s opening!

Wastey: {opening the coffin lid} Like ohhhhh!

Keddy: Wastey, what are you doing in there?

Wastey: Like who knows? We just dropped in to see Mjollnir’s mummy

(laugh track)

Keddy: {pointing to the ground next to Kdip} Hey what’s that?

Kdip: I dunno?

Keddy: It looks like an airline ticket…

J2B: {reading the ticket} …to Missoula, Montana!

Razd: Somebody must have accidentally dropped it

Wastey: Somebody or someTHING….

Keddy: Anyway it’s real and it’s a clue

J2B: And there might be more clues around…lets go

(The whole gang walks through the museum looking for more clues and comes to a sign that reads, “Bear Pinching Phantom”)

J2B: Look, the Bear Pinching Phantom display

Keddy: But no Bear Pinching Phantom…

Razd: That’s cause he’s looking for us…

J2B: Right you are Razd! We should look for him!

Wastey: Like there’s something else I’d rather look for you all go on….

(J2B, Razd and Keddy keep looking for the Bear Pinching Phantom while Wastey and Kdip look for more beer)

J2B: Well no sign of the Bear Pinching Phantom

Razd: Let’s just hope he doesn’t drop in on us

(Just then, a trap door opens and J2B, Razd and Keddy fall into a dungeon)

Keddy: Looks like we did the dropping in…

Razd: Oh no….we’re prisoners of the Bear Pinching Phantom!

(The scene cuts back to Wastey and Kdip who end up in a room with a table with all sorts of home brews sitting on it)

Wastey: {at the table} Hey Dippy, pass me some of that yummy home brew…{takes a sip and spits it out} Like everything in this place is wax…

(Just then, the Bear Pinching Phantom appears)

Bear Pinching Phantom: That’s right….and soon you too shall become part of my home brew wax family! Hahahahahaha!

(Wastey and Kdip try to skedaddle but the Bear Pinching Phantom catches them…the scene flashes back to J2B, Razd and Keddy in the dungeon)

J2B: {feeling the walls} No windows or doors…trapped for sure

Keddy: Hey! A secret panel! {reaching in to pull out a bag}

J2B: What’d ya find?

Keddy: Money…and lots of it!

J2B: It came from the Quitatorium safe….and I’d say it’s a valuable clue

Razd: Right you are J2B!

Keddy: {stomping his foot} That stupid phantom, he makes me sooo mad!

(Just then, a secret door opens)

J2B: Keddy, you did it again!

Keddy: What….lose my temper?

Razd: Yeah…and found a way out, you stepped on a secret door lever

Keddy: I did?

Razd: Yeah…how bout that? Let’s go!

Keddy: We’d better search for Wastey and Kdip

Razd: Yeah but where?

(The gang hears Wastey groaning in another room through an air vent)

J2B: Let’s check it out

(J2B pulls back the air vent and they look into another room filled with large vats of home brew wax. The Bear Pinching Phantom has Wastey and Kdip tied up and he’s pushing them on a small cart)

Wastey: {to the Phantom} Like I know this sounds silly, but what are we doing in the home brew wax works?

Bear Pinching Phantom: You will soon become home brew wax dummies

Wastey: We’re already dummies right Kdip?

Kdip: {acting stupid} Yeah…dummies

Wastey: See we’re dummies….duh huh!

(The Phantom stops at an old conveyor belt that leads to the vats of home brew wax and puts Wastey and Kdip on the belt)

Razd: {leaning through the air vent} We’ve got to help them!

J2B: Be careful Razd!

(Razd leans out too far and falls. He catches himself on a rope tied to a lever)

Keddy: Hey! That lever stopped the conveyor belt!

J2B: Oh no it didn’t…it reversed it! C’mon we’ve got to help them!

(The conveyor belt reverses and Wastey and Kdip are thrown off the other end and tumble onto the Bear Pinching Phantom, knocking him over. After being chased around for awhile Wastey and Kdip finally lose the Phantom and meet back up with the others)

J2B: Boy are we glad to see you guys!

Razd: So what do we do about the Phantom?

J2B: We trap him by fighting home brew with home brew

Wastey: Like you gotta be kidding…..haven’t you ever heard the story of Icarus? I think that 3rd testicle is getting to your head…

J2B: {adjusting his 3rd testicle} It should be easy…we’ll trap him in his own home brew wax works. Here’s my plan, Keddy you’ll serve as a look out. Razd will hide behind the door and when the Phantom comes in you’ll slam the door and lock old waxy inside so he can’t escape. I’ll stand over there and operate the home brew wax shower sprayer. When the Phantom steps in the shower….he’s waxed!

Razd: Did you really just say he’s waxed?

Wastey: Like why should the phantom go to the shower?

J2B: Simple…you and Kdip will lure him there

Wastey: What?

Kdip: Yeah…{gulp}…what?

Wastey: J2B that plan really is fantastic but…..

J2B: But what?

Wastey: But we won’t do it right Dippy?

Kdip: Right!

J2B: So you got another plan?

Wastey: {pointing} Like yeah like take a look over there and tell me what you see…

Keddy: The home brew wax works?

(Wastey and Kdip skedaddle once everyone turns around to see what he’s pointing at)

Razd: They’re gone!

Keddy: {shaking his head} Of all the nerve….

J2B: I have to laugh at myself…those 2 chickens tricked us!

Razd: It’s ok, I laugh at you all the time

J2B: Right you are Razd…wait, what?

(The scene pans to Wastey and Kdip walking through the storage area of the museum when they hear the groaning of the Bear Pinching Phantom)

Wastey: {looking around} What’s that?

Kdip: The Phantom…that’s what

(The Phantom chases Wastey and Kdip through the door where Razd is positioned. Once they’re inside Razd shuts the door and locks it. Keddy drops a large box over the Phantom)

J2B: Lead him to the home brew wax shower Wastey and Dippy!

(The Phantom breaks out of the box and chases Wastey and Kdip towards the wax shower)

J2B: {pulling the lever} Get ready for a wax shower!

(Wastey and Kdip accidentally run through the was shower along with the Bear Pinching Phantom and all of them get covered in home brew wax)

J2B: Wastey, Dippy….you weren’t supposed to be in on this!

Wastey and Kdip: {muffled sounds}

(The scene cuts to outside the Home Brew Wax Museum where Mjollnir and Gmann have arrived in the MOD Squad Crown Vic)

Mjollnir: {looking at the wax figures} Well it looks like you guys got the Phantom, but who’s who?

Razd: The two smaller ones are Wastey and Dippy, the big one is the Phantom!

J2B: {wielding a hammer} And now for the unwaxing

(J2B knocks on the 2 smaller wax figures and the home brew wax crumbles from around Wastey and Kdip’s head…)

J2B: You ok Dippy?

Kdip: You gotta be kidding!

J2B: And now Mr. Bear Pinching Phantom, time to find out who you really are!

(J2B knocks the home brew wax off of the Phantom and reveals…..Euty!)

J2B: Euty!

Euty: And I wish you bunch of perverts would have minded your own business!

Gmann: Silly Euty…well now it’s MOD Squad business

Wastey: Like we thought the phantom was really a ghost…or at least that Dennis was behind it

Keddy: That’s what Euty wanted us to think…while he escaped to the Spit Summit in Montana with all the donations!

Razd: Right you are Keddy! Euty knew of old Dennis’s threat to bring the Bear Pinching Phantom to life

J2B: So he used the Phantom, then Dennis would be blamed for everything!

Euty: And I would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling potty mouthed quitters! Then maybe KTC would have representatives that don’t act like they’re in junior high!

Mjollnir: That’s what my mom said last night!

Gmann: {confused look} Your mom?

Mjollnir: Dammit! You know what I meant…{shaking his fists} FUCS!

J2B: {checking his MOD watch}Would you look at the time! We gotta get back to the Quitatorium, the talent show starts in a few hours!

(The gang hops into the MOD Machine van and they head off towards the Quitatorium)

Gmann: So what do we do with Euty, he’s practically harmless

Euty: Did you say I’m armless?

Mjollnir: No he said harmless

Euty: Armrest? Is that some sort of young hooligan slang term?

Gmann: Nevermind Euty….maybe we should just take you back to the December 2006 St. Nic-o-Frees house of brick

Euty: That would be nice….as long as that Badge fella isn’t there changing all of the colors…

Gmann: You mean Vadge?

Euty: Whatever….kids these days have no respect….

Mjollnir: But we all respect the quit!

Euty: Well of course I can knit but that’s not the point!

(Mjollnir and Gmann look at each other and laugh as the scenes fades out….)

A sincere thank you to all of those that have already donated to the cause.  Follow the comments on this thread to see our progress.  We’re very much looking forward to attending and representing real QUITTERS!

Who’s going to represent KTC at the Summit?  Tune in next week to find out!!!